I'm back.

Uau.

I’ve been gone for quite some time. My apologies for the time off, but life hit me right in the nose above my mustache. It’s one of those things that happens when you’re not paying attention. Life seems to grab a 2x4 and say, “Hey, El Guapo,” then the next thing you know you wake up in a meadow with your pants down to your ankles, a tattoo of a unicorn on your ankle and rabbits nibbling at your feet. I’m not saying that has happened to me or anything, but I was trying to paint a picture. One with unicorns. Hopefully the message came across.

So, what has happened in this last almost 10 days? I’ll give you my “I just drank JOLT COLA” version of what went on:

1) An Australian friend of mine introduced me to Vegemite. He has been singing its praises for years and I finally used it as chip dip during one of my hungry times. Let me tell you something. I have never had the fortune of licking a monkey’s ass, but I believe that the Australians have found a way to bottle this smell and make it into a brown paste. I don’t for one second believe that Australians like to eat this ass-tasting spread. To me, it’s like when the gringos tell me that it is good luck to have a bird shit on your head. I don’t buy it. Why is that good luck? I have feces in my hair, oh happy day… The Australians made the mistake of telling a foreigner that this spread was a delicacy, you know, as a joke. You know, sort of like when you tell the foreign exchange student from Sweden that everyone wears Speedos at the DC public pool. Anyway, the joke took a wrong turn somewhere and the Aussies have had to lie about liking this, this, errgh, it’s so bad. Just admit that you hate it!

2) I forgot to erase the history on my laptop after a day of being alone. Yes, even beautiful Guatemalans take a peek every once in a while. Every man does it. Anyway, it seems that women have a hard time understanding that our “perusal” has nothing to do with how we feel about them. We go click happy and click on everything that comes our way. I blame THE HUN for making it so easy for me to explore things I didn’t know existed. Who knew so much could be done in a van?

3) The couch is getting to be very comfortable.

4) I bought a bulldog. His name is Chulo and he has found a way to defecate on every square inch of my place. If for one second you think that he can’t nudge his way behind your stereo speakers, you’re wrong. He will find a way to soil every piece of floor that you have. He’s fun and I like the responsibility of having a dog. I’m also learning a lot of new things about cleaning that I guess I wasn’t born knowing. Did you know that you aren’t supposed to use Clorox to clean hard wood floors? Yes, it tends to bleach out the wooden color and make the urine and feces stains even more memorable due to the white splotches on the floor.

5) The police officers of DC do not like it when you flip them off. More specifically, the police officer riding a Segway does not like it when you ridicule them AND flip them off. I had the pleasure of being with Miguel when he decided to ask a police officer why he was riding a Segway:

“Who did you piss off to have to ride one of those things?”

“Carry on and mind your business.”

“Seriously, did my tax dollars pay money for that so that your lazy ass can lean-in to move? Why don’t you get a bike?”

At this point, the police officer gets on his walkie talkie and seriously calls for backup regarding the start of a potential riot!

“If you got your fat ass off of that thing, you wouldn’t have to call your friends to help. Hey puerco, sit on this!”

Sure, I wish he hadn’t done this, but hey, I need the exercise and the running was good for me. Am I the only one who wants to push over every single person that glides by in a segway? Am I a bad person for this?

6) Finally, I received this e-mail from an Anonymous commenter from Argentina:

Perhaps you had a bad experience with argentinians, you are obviously a very traumatized, low self esteem central american guy that wishes (most likely) to be whiter and taller, and more handsome...wait a minute...where are you from again? Keep stereotypes for yourself, nasty prick.

I often get e-mails asking me why the world seems to hate the Argentine (not the hot ones though). I hope this answers your question.

Ok, I’m back. I missed you all very much. Especially you.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo