El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I'm back.

Uau.

I’ve been gone for quite some time. My apologies for the time off, but life hit me right in the nose above my mustache. It’s one of those things that happens when you’re not paying attention. Life seems to grab a 2x4 and say, “Hey, El Guapo,” then the next thing you know you wake up in a meadow with your pants down to your ankles, a tattoo of a unicorn on your ankle and rabbits nibbling at your feet. I’m not saying that has happened to me or anything, but I was trying to paint a picture. One with unicorns. Hopefully the message came across.

So, what has happened in this last almost 10 days? I’ll give you my “I just drank JOLT COLA” version of what went on:

1) An Australian friend of mine introduced me to Vegemite. He has been singing its praises for years and I finally used it as chip dip during one of my hungry times. Let me tell you something. I have never had the fortune of licking a monkey’s ass, but I believe that the Australians have found a way to bottle this smell and make it into a brown paste. I don’t for one second believe that Australians like to eat this ass-tasting spread. To me, it’s like when the gringos tell me that it is good luck to have a bird shit on your head. I don’t buy it. Why is that good luck? I have feces in my hair, oh happy day… The Australians made the mistake of telling a foreigner that this spread was a delicacy, you know, as a joke. You know, sort of like when you tell the foreign exchange student from Sweden that everyone wears Speedos at the DC public pool. Anyway, the joke took a wrong turn somewhere and the Aussies have had to lie about liking this, this, errgh, it’s so bad. Just admit that you hate it!

2) I forgot to erase the history on my laptop after a day of being alone. Yes, even beautiful Guatemalans take a peek every once in a while. Every man does it. Anyway, it seems that women have a hard time understanding that our “perusal” has nothing to do with how we feel about them. We go click happy and click on everything that comes our way. I blame THE HUN for making it so easy for me to explore things I didn’t know existed. Who knew so much could be done in a van?

3) The couch is getting to be very comfortable.

4) I bought a bulldog. His name is Chulo and he has found a way to defecate on every square inch of my place. If for one second you think that he can’t nudge his way behind your stereo speakers, you’re wrong. He will find a way to soil every piece of floor that you have. He’s fun and I like the responsibility of having a dog. I’m also learning a lot of new things about cleaning that I guess I wasn’t born knowing. Did you know that you aren’t supposed to use Clorox to clean hard wood floors? Yes, it tends to bleach out the wooden color and make the urine and feces stains even more memorable due to the white splotches on the floor.

5) The police officers of DC do not like it when you flip them off. More specifically, the police officer riding a Segway does not like it when you ridicule them AND flip them off. I had the pleasure of being with Miguel when he decided to ask a police officer why he was riding a Segway:

“Who did you piss off to have to ride one of those things?”

“Carry on and mind your business.”

“Seriously, did my tax dollars pay money for that so that your lazy ass can lean-in to move? Why don’t you get a bike?”

At this point, the police officer gets on his walkie talkie and seriously calls for backup regarding the start of a potential riot!

“If you got your fat ass off of that thing, you wouldn’t have to call your friends to help. Hey puerco, sit on this!”

Sure, I wish he hadn’t done this, but hey, I need the exercise and the running was good for me. Am I the only one who wants to push over every single person that glides by in a segway? Am I a bad person for this?

6) Finally, I received this e-mail from an Anonymous commenter from Argentina:

Perhaps you had a bad experience with argentinians, you are obviously a very traumatized, low self esteem central american guy that wishes (most likely) to be whiter and taller, and more handsome...wait a minute...where are you from again? Keep stereotypes for yourself, nasty prick.

I often get e-mails asking me why the world seems to hate the Argentine (not the hot ones though). I hope this answers your question.

Ok, I’m back. I missed you all very much. Especially you.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

21 Comments:

At 11:49 PM, Blogger J-G said...

Welcome back from your lost week, EG. At least you weren't in Iowa, where the surprise tattoos are not unicorns, merely a five-pointed star.
So how did you make bail? Will we see you + Miguel on COPS?

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger Christopher Robin said...

God it's good to have you back. And no, you are not a bad person for wanting to push over people on Segways. Sure the technology is cool, but anyone on them looks like a bigger dork than the guy with a fanny pack in Times Square.

I also tried Vegemite a few years back. I even watched the Aussie eat it, but you are right it tastes like monkey ass.

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger Not Relaxed said...

Unicorns!

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger Head Like Velvet said...

Oh El Guapo - if only thousands of miles didn't separate us! I think you're extreme Guatemaleness might get us both into trouble!

Your perusal of certain material on-line would not land you on the couch at MY house. ;p

You make me laugh.

 
At 12:23 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Vegemite... I only know it from the Men At Work song "Down Under".

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger E :) said...

Vegemite is great. As an Aussie, I don't understand why everyone here loves it. After all, it's just the leftovers you get after making beer. Mmmm. Tasty food.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger Raincouver said...

a dog. great. do you live in a farm? no. then why, oh why, get a dog?

You have been assimilated. Resistance was futile, true enough, but you've embraced this North American fascination with pets. I always see these urban dwellers following the dog with their little vegemite (poop) bag.

What's next? Reality TV?

Ay dios mio!

 
At 1:51 PM, Anonymous stelawho said...

gracias for coming back!

 
At 2:58 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

I thought your mention of Vegemite was going to lead into a piece about your bowels, not your dog's. Chulo is a cute name for him, by the way.

 
At 3:07 PM, Blogger jali said...

Thank god! I have to take 2 busses to get here plus walk up that big hill. I was getting tired of making the trip for nada.

Will there be puppy picture posting?

Thanks for the vegemite warning.

Stand up for yourself - time to get off that couch.

 
At 3:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

El Guapo, you are now officially ultra cool. BTW, it is now a requirement that you call yourself a Bulldogger, as the chosen few of us do. Post a pic!

 
At 4:30 PM, Blogger Eric said...

I have no experience with vegemite. But I do have experience with The Hun, and I enjoyed that experience.

 
At 4:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank god you're back el guapo, i was having withdrawl symptoms..

 
At 6:54 PM, Blogger jaymichaelrivera said...

Aiy, pobre mijo! Didn't your encounter with El Maco teach you anything? Reminds me of the time I had andouiettes(tripe) in France, all the while a charming hostess is asking me "are you sure? It is so very French." All the wine in France couldn't get that taste of pooh-pooh from my mouth. Pig pooh-pooh at that.

 
At 11:48 PM, Anonymous Bob said...

The Argentine's letter was nasty, but you have to admit you begged for it with all your nasty comments about Argentines. I've lived there - they are in general good people, especially those in the interior of the country, who suffer for the actions of a minority of the BA population.

And their women are really hot.

 
At 12:47 AM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

chlorox hehehe
Vegemite hehehe
unicorns hehehe

welcoming back..I missed ur posts

 
At 4:11 AM, Blogger *-fwai7-* said...

missed you el guapo!
hehe vegemite is like shit preservatives. nasty.

awww cute post a pic of chuloo i wanna see :D

 
At 10:17 AM, Anonymous Sweet said...

Your friend Miguel cracks me up.

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger techie_blogger said...

hey EG, really loved reading your post.. Today was a bad day for me and I am dead tired, but your post managed to put a smile on my face..

keep the good work going on..

 
At 3:05 AM, Anonymous Jessica said...

Vegemite! My college roommate back in the day was an exchange student in Australia, and brought some of this crap back with her and tricked me into trying it. I'd totally have to agree with the monkey's ass comparison.

Now Nutella on the other hand, that is an import worth having.

 
At 7:54 AM, Anonymous Mamasita said...

You're back! Missed you tons- now I gotta catch up with a few (ehm) many posts.

 

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