El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Ablutomania

It turns out that I have a disease. I know, I know. I’m Guatemalan and supposed to be perfect, but it isn’t so. One night, I couldn’t sleep. Love making didn’t help. A glass of warm milk didn’t help. I even watched Fox News for a bit. I couldn’t fall asleep.

So, I went to the computer to see if I could maybe read myself to sleep. Little did I know that something I did so often was actually a disorder. Si, this Latino suffers from ablutomania.

I was brought up in a very clean household. Touched the counter? Wash your hands. Brushing your teeth? Wash your hands. Use the bathroom? Wash your hands. Eating fruit? Wash the fruit. Changing a diaper? Wash your hands. Cleaning up after the dog? Wash your hands. Cooking food? Wash your hands.

I’m not sure what mi madre did to me, but she raised a family who was clean. Is this bad? Do I have a such a desire to be clean that it borders on a compulsion?

I’ve been to clubs in DC and have seen men walk in and walk out without even glancing at the sink. I’ve seen a guy fix his hair while his hand still glistened from his waste. I’ve even seen men come out of stalls after giving the restroom a flatulent concert and walk right out. Hell, no H20 is what they must believe, but Dios mio! Come on! Wash those hands. It makes the hairs on my arm stand up with the thought.

Miguel once chased a guy out of club restroom to ask him why he didn’t wash his hands.

“Mind your own business dickhead.”

Miguel let this get under his skin and under normal circumstances I would have calmed him down, but not with this. I abhor this act with all my heart and soul. I did nothing to calm him down. In fact, I egged him on a little bit. Why not? I don’t remember exactly what I said to him, but he went looking for this guy and found him talking to a group of women.

“Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt. Your amigo here was just in the restroom with me and I wanted to let you know that he didn’t wash his hands. He told me to mind my own business dickhead when I asked him about it.”

“Ewwwww Terry! That’s sick!”

“He’s messing around. I washed my hands.”

“No, Terry. You didn’t wash your Armani Exchange hands. I was watching you the entire time. Good luck with the ladies!”

Take care indeed. The two thumbs up he gave him at the end was priceless.

So you know what? I’m glad I have this disorder. I think it’s the best disorder one could have. I wash my hands too much. So what? Terry… Ay, what a name for a non hand washer Armani Exchange gringo…

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

13 Comments:

At 8:19 PM, Blogger The Girl with Moxie said...

And yet I am sure you moisturize your hands often to compensate for the harsh soaps. Right? We expect nothing less than clean, soft, supple hands from our beloved El Guapo.

 
At 10:34 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

Eeeewww, and this is why I never shake a man's hand....

 
At 11:04 PM, Blogger Velvet said...

I'm a handwashing freak. My pet peeve was when mi novio would dig around in the ice bin in the freezer after he just emerged from the bathroom. I would be soooo mad. I would throw all the ice away and say, "Every piece may as well have poop on it."

Ok. That was gross.

 
At 12:20 AM, Blogger Lola Vespertine said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:22 AM, Blogger Lola Vespertine said...

This post is fucking flithy and funny!

Shit, now I have to go wash MY hands!

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger P1P said...

I have friends who mock me for showering twice a day! Seems right to me. I shower when I get up before work. I shower when I get home from work before I got out. I wash my hands after I use the bathroom. It's not weird.

 
At 11:47 AM, Blogger Eric said...

When I'm in a public bathroom i try as hard as I can not to touch anything, I use paper towels to flush, turn on the faucer, open the door, etc. To many Terrys out there and I don't want there feces on my hands.

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Washing hands is a must after the bathroom. I mean, it's not even up for discussion.

In fact, I will wash my hands in honor of you right now.

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I'm sure I read somewhere that scientists once did a test on the bowls of free nuts you get on the counters of some bars and discovered 32 different urine samples...

But hey, how are you ever going to build up a decent immune system if you insist on washing your hands after changing diapers, cleaning up after dogs, and before preparing food?

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger Mel said...

That's disgusting. Like Eric, I hate public washrooms. They are a cesspool of germs and filth. The fact that those germs leave the washrooms and make their way onto doorhandles and tables and chairs and everything else is the fault of pigs like Terry. Kudos to Miguel for having the balls to say something.

 
At 2:52 PM, Anonymous Class factotum said...

So the Harvard guy and the Aggie both finished peeing. The Aggie walked past the sinks as the Harvard guy washed his hands.

"Didn't they teach you anything at that cow college of yours?" the Harvard guy demanded.

"Yeah," the Aggie answered. "They taught us not to get it on our hands."

 
At 6:37 PM, Anonymous jeremy smith said...

are you really from guatemala? folks from central america are so weird...

 
At 5:25 PM, Blogger The Multicultural Spitfire said...

Dios mio! My abuelita Mexicana passed down to her seven hijas (one of them mi madre) a notion of cleanliness that mi madre passed on to me and my tres hermanas.

For instance, mi Tia Eva washes dishes in soap and hot water before putting them in the dishwasher (that's over the top).

But when my novio volunteered to cut up the tomates for the salad - after visiting the pet store where the perritos were biting his hands - I asked him if he had washed his hands first.

I'm so glad mi madre didn't see the coniption I had when he answered. "SOOO do NOT let my mother know that!!!"

I am so glad you wrote this post. Now I know it is a Latin thing - TOTALMEEEENNNTE.

 

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