The Caucasian Card
“Baby, try this wine.”
I don’t like wine.
“Baby, try this wine. It goes really well with this cheese.”
Wine and cheese. I’m a Guatemalan with a mustache. I don’t really do wine and cheese, but to make mi Linda happy sometimes I try these things.
Country music, wine and cheese, khaki pants and John Grisham. Thank God I still have my amazing mustache.
“Dude, that guy is trying to get his CC.”
I heard the term “CC” while in Austin and wasn’t sure if it was an Austin-specific term or if the tie-dyed wearing, dread lock having gentleman ate too many grows-under-feces mushrooms.
Excuse me, what is a “CC?”
They looked at each other in shock because it seems their feces undergrowth had altered their hearing. They had no idea they were speaking so loudly above the blaring Flaming Lips that I was able to hear what they said.
What I was told shocked me. At first anyway. Then, well, then it all made sense. I had heard tales about this mythical CC for years, but had just thought it was just the wishful talk of an older generation. But no, it wasn’t. It did exist. And to think that you all had hidden this from me for so long. I thought we were friends.
CC = Caucasian Card. They were not able to tell me exactly what was needed to obtain this “gold” card, but I was told that there were 42 things that a non-Caucasian must do in order to obtain this card. Wine and cheese? Si. Country music? Si. John Grisham. You betcha. Saying “you betcha?” You better believe it hermana.
While these white Bob Marley impersonators were telling me the rules of the CC they were whisked away by two burly, bald-headed men wearing Lacost shirts.
“This didn’t happen. We know who you are.”
I realize that my writing about this may very well put my life at risk, but I had to tell as many people as possible about this. Having a Sears card isn’t the greatest thing in the world! I’m not exactly sure what magical powers this card will give the holder, but I think there is this Peruvian guy on my block that has one. He is a horrible dancer, pops his collar, has a mortgage and has a gray Volkswagen. I don’t know when I will find out more, but I feel there are some of you out there who can shed more light on this find. I too would like a mortgage, but I think the loan officers are all jealous of my mustache. I need this CC…
Mucho Amor,
El Guapo
posted by El Guapo in DC @ 11:39 PM
20 Comments:
Hmm. Sounds like he got the Dork Card. Pay extra to get the one where you have good taste. It's possible.
I'm C, but I dance just as well to salsa as to country music. I learned to like red wine when I lived in Chile, a country that produces both wine and cheese.
Khakis are not a requirement for C. They're a big no for women -- they make our butts look a mile wide -- but on some men, they can be OK. I like jeans better.
John Grisham is brain candy. He's a fun read when you're not in the mood for Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
Undoubtedly it is the moustache that is hampering your mortgage efforts! Envy is so petty!
PS If you are not C, does that mean you are Asian or Negro? Cause those are the only two other options...
I haven't done any of those things, is it possible to have your CC revoked? I hope not.
Glad you called them out. And I've never even heard of it. It's probably something they made up thinking it to be clever, but really just moronic.
Unfortunately, Guapo, the number one way to gain entry to this membership would be shaving your mustache. Something I am sure you will never do.
Plenty of honky's rock the mustache. It just tends to make them look like child molestor's with magic vans full of candy.
Try to get invited to some dinner parties. You may be able to find a sponsor over coctails.
Class factorum- Do people still say negro somewhere in the world?
How can you not like wine? Well, bad wine, I can understand. But you don't like a nice Chateauneuf du Pape? A nice Australian Shiraz? A good tempranillo? Say it ain't so. No me digas eso, El Guapo, por favor. No me digas.
As for the CC people, just hand them a Jerk-Be-Gone card, recognized by disriminating jerks everywhere. Then they'll go away, and you'll feel better. I will, anyway.
EL Guapo, forsake your quest for this Caucasian Card. The 42nd thing you must do is shorten El Guapo Jr. to five inches or less. The CC Mafia is very strict about this requirement.
Not Relaxed, Class Factotum was using the word Negro in the anthropoligical sense (though I think the scientific term is in fact negroid). He is correct, the races are Caucasian (which includes Hispanics), Negroid, and Asian. I also thought I heard something about Australian Aborigones being a seperate race, but this is all hazy memory from anthropology 101.
Is the Caucasion Card anything like the Black Card. I've had my Black Card suspended on many occassions for such offenses as listening to country music and wearing khaki pants.
I'm Caucasian, and I don't have a mortgage yet.
But I do have a podcast now.
CC? Country music can eat my ass and isn't john grisham the perpetrator of those books that are read by fat guys in speedos at the beach?
Ok, I do like wine and cheese, in fact I think it's one of the real wonders of the world. I have been known to wear combats and when I was much younger chinos (my mother made me, I was just a kid, please forgive me).
I am less than pleased with these gentlemen. Dreadlocks? I don't anything they say is to be taken seriously anyway.
Shame we can't dump this sort on an island somewhere where they can be evil to one another and leave the rest of us to relax in peace perhaps with a glass of wine and some cheese and biscuits (I am just offering a suggestion here!).
No te preocupe, EG. I listen to some Country and have a bit of a Southern accent, and I'm still nowhere near a CC. Unless you shave off your moustache, change your speech, and play down your Guatemalanness, you likely won't get one either.
A CC is also a free pass through security checkpoints at airports, and gets you through lines faster at international terminals. But hey, the extra hassle is worth being Guatemalan, no? K
Living in Miami, I have often been accused of trying to get the LC... as a white guy who prefers to hang out with the latinos. Is the LC a recognized thing in DC too?
Be who you are. I like you better that way.
And P.S. - Country music sucks!
No, no El Guapo - you definitely do not need a CC - get a mortgage, fine - but to have a CC and only your wonderful mustache left would be a travesty -
Stay as you are - special!
Great posts! Thanks for sharing.
What are the other steps for the CC?
Calling Wednesday "hump day?"
Using the phrase "Okey dokey?"
Wearing socks with sandals?
Crankster: I think dancing really, really badly, is for men at least, a clear caucasian indicator. Not proof, mind you, but a strong indicator.
Just curious how having a mortgage and driving a nice car make one necessarily a "Caucasian" or at least "CC holder"? They sound more like "manages his/her money well" to me.
I know your post was tongue-in-cheek, but people need to stop saying that a non-white person's being successful is tantamount to their "selling out" or "wanting to be white".
Just found this, love the blog. I spend mucho time in Mexico and love your take. Though I know you are from Guatemale and I have friends there. I'm still trying to find a way to be a full time faux Latino - in my beloved Mexico of course or perhaps take up my friends entreaties to come to Guatemala.
Foilwoman: Admittedly, caucasians tend to be rhythm deprived. But just think about all the great things that this has led to, like Celtic dancing, Cossack dancing, line dancing, massive alcohol consumption, beer goggles...
I'm a C woman. I cannot dance. I am such a dorky dancer I have been seen doing the "white girl overbite". I am a real life Elaine Bennis dancer but I think a man with a mustache is sexy, so can I still use my CC?
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