The Caucasian Card
“Baby, try this wine.”
I don’t like wine.
“Baby, try this wine. It goes really well with this cheese.”
Wine and cheese. I’m a Guatemalan with a mustache. I don’t really do wine and cheese, but to make mi Linda happy sometimes I try these things.
Country music, wine and cheese, khaki pants and John Grisham. Thank God I still have my amazing mustache.
“Dude, that guy is trying to get his CC.”
I heard the term “CC” while in Austin and wasn’t sure if it was an Austin-specific term or if the tie-dyed wearing, dread lock having gentleman ate too many grows-under-feces mushrooms.
Excuse me, what is a “CC?”
They looked at each other in shock because it seems their feces undergrowth had altered their hearing. They had no idea they were speaking so loudly above the blaring Flaming Lips that I was able to hear what they said.
What I was told shocked me. At first anyway. Then, well, then it all made sense. I had heard tales about this mythical CC for years, but had just thought it was just the wishful talk of an older generation. But no, it wasn’t. It did exist. And to think that you all had hidden this from me for so long. I thought we were friends.
CC = Caucasian Card. They were not able to tell me exactly what was needed to obtain this “gold” card, but I was told that there were 42 things that a non-Caucasian must do in order to obtain this card. Wine and cheese? Si. Country music? Si. John Grisham. You betcha. Saying “you betcha?” You better believe it hermana.
While these white Bob Marley impersonators were telling me the rules of the CC they were whisked away by two burly, bald-headed men wearing Lacost shirts.
“This didn’t happen. We know who you are.”
I realize that my writing about this may very well put my life at risk, but I had to tell as many people as possible about this. Having a Sears card isn’t the greatest thing in the world! I’m not exactly sure what magical powers this card will give the holder, but I think there is this Peruvian guy on my block that has one. He is a horrible dancer, pops his collar, has a mortgage and has a gray Volkswagen. I don’t know when I will find out more, but I feel there are some of you out there who can shed more light on this find. I too would like a mortgage, but I think the loan officers are all jealous of my mustache. I need this CC…