El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Keep Austin Weird

I went to Austin, Texas fully expecting to come back with tales of trucks, gun racks and confederate flags. Not today. This Guatemalan truly fell in love with the city of Austin and its people.

Did I see people walking around with shirts that said, “Fuck you! I’m from Texas”? Yes. I did. Do I blame the Buena gente of Austin for this? No. I can not.

Austin is like the Scotchguarded area of a carpet. The dirt may be all around, but it doesn’t stick. Not in Austin.

And guess what? I didn’t even get arrested. I followed the advice of a reader and didn’t urinate on the capitol. I even took it one step further and decided to not urinate outdoors. I would never think of doing this, not in Austin. Austin, where I saw people cross the street to pick up a can left on the street. En serio, this is the best city I’ve been to in a long time.

In DC it is sometimes hard for me, El Guapo, to walk down the street without causing a commotion due to my Guatemalanness. In Austin, yes, I still received the stares of admiration, but they were sometimes overshadowed by the women with perfect busts. To the plastic surgeons of Austin, bless your heart.

Oh yes, “bless your heart” is a new saying that I would like to introduce to all of you. It is a genius of a saying that I hope we all start to use in the rest of the world. When you read it, you must be thinking that it is a nice thing to say. In fact, it is, but you say it after saying something horrible about someone. Ejemplo:

“That Staci, hombre, she’s slept with half barrio. Bless her heart.”

“Man, Armando needs to lay off the brisket and go to the gym. Bless his heart.”

“Guadalupe’s breath is so bad that it melted my eyelashes. Bless her heart.”

The “bless her heart” saying completely negates whatever horrible thing was said before it. Try it out. It’s fun.

Austin City Limits was an amazing time. I listened to music that I normally would never have listened to and I think I came away a better Guatemalan for it. I also discovered something in Texas that has been kept hidden from all non-white people for generations: The Caucasian Card. Si, I stumbled upon a conversation regarding this mystical card and I will talk more about this on my next post. Estoy cansado and mi Linda is upset that I’m not in bed.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

15 Comments:

At 1:37 AM, Blogger Skye said...

That saying and just using their southern accent gets them out of a lot of trouble. They also seem to smile in such a way, that it's hard to take offense.

I somehow picture you with that kind of smile too.

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger SkippyMom said...

El Guapo writes a spectacular blog....bless his heart! ;)

 
At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Ty said...

Thanks for enjoying our city!! :) I'm currently living in Dallas, but Austin is home (plus, I am moving back)...It really is a special place, isn't it?

Plus, for every gun rack, there is a hippie to counteract it in Austin... :)

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger Dennis! said...

They are embarrassed by your Guatemalanness! (I've been waiting to use that one....)

I can't wait to read about the Caucasian Card.

 
At 2:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My favorite "bless your heart" ever comes from Steel Magnolia's, I think. (I've never actually seen it.)

"She couldn't help being ugly, bless her heart, but at least she could have stayed home."

 
At 2:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My favorite "bless your heart" ever comes from Steel Magnolias, I think. (I've never actually seen it.)

"She couldn't help being ugly, bless her heart, but at least she could have stayed home."

 
At 3:46 PM, Blogger jibber.jabber said...

hey zuess! loved the post. austin has just made my list of "places to go".

and to think, i've spent much of my free time wallowing in misery here when i could have been doing it in austin... god bless my heart?

cheers!

m.

 
At 5:05 PM, Blogger Sal said...

Sal's jerk of a boss made him shave half his friggin' moustache, bless his heart.

Nope. Sal's not feelin' any better.

Fu Manchu,
Sal

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

See...you were all worried for nothing....Austin Rocks!!!!

Keep Austin WEird...and all that hippie stuff...

But seriously...Don't mess with Texas!!! Y'all, Don't go 'round peeing all over our state!! Bless ur sweet lil' hearts!!!

 
At 12:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

El Guapo, I stumbled across your blog through Waiter Rant, and you rock! Glad you liked my town. It's a little piece of blue in the sea of red that is good ol' boy Texas.

 
At 12:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Chaparrito, refernce this:

"Austin is like the Scotchguarded area of a carpet. The dirt may be all around, but it doesn’t stick. Not in Austin."

VA FAN CULO!!!

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I had some tremndous food from a Peruvian restaurant when I was in your neck of the woods last week, but I couldn't remember the name of the restaurant, bless my heart!

 
At 6:06 PM, Blogger Head Like Velvet said...

My gramma says "Bless his/her/your heart" all the time! In fact, come to think of it, I've had that inflection aimed at me more times than I would like to recall...:(

I'm glad you had a good time El G., I knew you would :D

 
At 2:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awww, I'm so glad you liked Austin. I live on the little Blue Island in the Sea of Red and we're pretty proud of what we have here. It's actually sport here to talk about how much you like living in Austin.

I moved here from Philadelphia after one too many winters there. You see, I too am of the Latin persuasion and being able to wear t-shirts in December is really appealing to me. I understand you are Guatemalan but I hope you were able to sample the local Mexican cuisine. I say local because this part of Texas used to belong to Mexico. I don't believe they have Guatemalan cuisine here... yet. But I do believe the Taco Cabana does have those pupusas you used to go on and on about.

 
At 10:20 AM, Anonymous Kiz said...

Austin is my favorite city in Texas. It's thanks largely to that collegiate atmosphere and young population, I think. Glad you seemed to enjoy it as much as I did. K

 

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