Keep Austin Weird

I went to Austin, Texas fully expecting to come back with tales of trucks, gun racks and confederate flags. Not today. This Guatemalan truly fell in love with the city of Austin and its people.

Did I see people walking around with shirts that said, “Fuck you! I’m from Texas”? Yes. I did. Do I blame the Buena gente of Austin for this? No. I can not.

Austin is like the Scotchguarded area of a carpet. The dirt may be all around, but it doesn’t stick. Not in Austin.

And guess what? I didn’t even get arrested. I followed the advice of a reader and didn’t urinate on the capitol. I even took it one step further and decided to not urinate outdoors. I would never think of doing this, not in Austin. Austin, where I saw people cross the street to pick up a can left on the street. En serio, this is the best city I’ve been to in a long time.

In DC it is sometimes hard for me, El Guapo, to walk down the street without causing a commotion due to my Guatemalanness. In Austin, yes, I still received the stares of admiration, but they were sometimes overshadowed by the women with perfect busts. To the plastic surgeons of Austin, bless your heart.

Oh yes, “bless your heart” is a new saying that I would like to introduce to all of you. It is a genius of a saying that I hope we all start to use in the rest of the world. When you read it, you must be thinking that it is a nice thing to say. In fact, it is, but you say it after saying something horrible about someone. Ejemplo:

“That Staci, hombre, she’s slept with half barrio. Bless her heart.”

“Man, Armando needs to lay off the brisket and go to the gym. Bless his heart.”

“Guadalupe’s breath is so bad that it melted my eyelashes. Bless her heart.”

The “bless her heart” saying completely negates whatever horrible thing was said before it. Try it out. It’s fun.

Austin City Limits was an amazing time. I listened to music that I normally would never have listened to and I think I came away a better Guatemalan for it. I also discovered something in Texas that has been kept hidden from all non-white people for generations: The Caucasian Card. Si, I stumbled upon a conversation regarding this mystical card and I will talk more about this on my next post. Estoy cansado and mi Linda is upset that I’m not in bed.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo