El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Sunday, September 24, 2006

El Guapo's World

I found myself stuck at home during “girls night” earlier this week and while I contemplated shoving guacamole in my ears, I thought about life.

Do you even understand how absolutely incredible life would be if it were El Guapo’s world? Please, come with me as I tell you about it.

First, I would change television. American television has a lot to learn from the Spanish channels. Every single television program would have scantily clad, bouncing up and down women. I don’t care if it is CNN, ESPN or a press conference from the White House. I want women in the background bouncing up and down. Slow news day? No problem because Jasmine y Candi are in the background with her green bikini top and little shorts. Just perfect.

Bueno, don’t think that the dancing women are only going to be for the television. No, in El Guapo’s world, these women would also be available in other situations. Did you get stuck watching a hanging on a railing, Celine Dion song in the background, man wearing linen pants flapping in the wind on a beach with a tear rolling down a cheek? Don’t worry. You have the option of having the woman dancing in the background during these situations as well. You women are likely scoffing at this idea of ruining your movie, but you’re talking to El Guapo and I’ve thought of this. The dancing woman isn’t ON the movie screen. It’s in holographic form somewhere else in the room. Maybe in the corner of the room so that it doesn’t distract you. This way, we can lay on the couch with you, but be watching the dancing woman. Perfect world.

Flan. Available everywhere. In every store, restaurant, and vending machine. Flan. Perfect world.

Popped collars are illegal. In fact, if you pop your collar, you get smacked over the head. It will be just like in the barrio where everyone in the neighborhood feels that they can discipline you. You pop your collar, head gets smacked. Perfect world.

If you are a doctor you are not allowed to be over six feet tall, have amazing abs, prominent chin, crystal clear blue eyes and zero body fat. Lo siento, but this is not allowed. Mira, this is El Guapo’s world. You already have four extra years of studying the human body. You’re not allowed to look like a perfect one. Does this rule stem from some insecurity that I have about not doing what mi madre wanted me to do and somehow not really being able to live up to her standards in this world? No. Why would you think that? Oh, this only applies to male doctors. Perfect world.

The rest of my world is pretty great, but I could honestly write a book about it, so I won’t bore you. I can tell you that there would be no wars, but world leaders would have face slapping events where they would take turns slapping each other in the face until someone gave up. This, of course, would be televised. Do I worry that the world super power would probably be one of those guys from Estonia that you see throwing logs on television? No. I haven’t thought about that yet. I just want to see Hugo Chavez fight George Bush.

Oh, one more thing. No more one piece bathing suits for women. Bikinis only. If you are wearing a one piece, then amiga, you are topless. Perfect world.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 8:36 PM, Anonymous aurea said...

My favorite part of your world is the flan. Gotta have the flan. I'm getting hungry just typing about flan.

At 9:58 PM, Anonymous restaurant gal said...

A friend of Restaurant Gal Daughter used to go around the dining room of the college she no longer attends and unpop the collars of those who sported this unfortunate nod to contrived elitism. This action did not garner her friend many other friends.

They didn't serve flan there, either.

Which is why Restaurant Gal Daughter transferred to her better world in Colorado.

A toast to your better world!

--The Gal

At 10:39 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

El Guapo: Trust me, there are some women you don't want to see topless. Just trust me on this one. My sisters and I discovered this (with regard to men) when we vacationed in Denmark as teenagers. A naked man approached, my older sister searched for her glasses ("darn it, this is a chance to get a good look") and after putting them on, said: "Oh, I wish I hadn't done that." There were also the sea elephant resembling oldsters (male and female) and the bizarre skin conditions. So be careful what you wish for, and all that.

At 11:04 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

Que la chinga, bless your heart. Apparently I gotta try me some flan.

At 10:36 AM, Blogger Not Relaxed said...

Foilwoman is dead on in a real world situation. But we're talking about El Guapo's world. Women would likely have more plastic surgery than Brazilians to justify their toplessness.

El Guapo, clearly we must colonize Mars in your image.

At 10:43 AM, Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

I officially volunteer to be a bouncing background chick. It's been a dream of mine for a very long time.

At 6:48 PM, Blogger Rev. Brandy said...

El Guapo,

I adore you. I adore your Perfect World and applaud you for putting it out there. I volunteer to be a very voluptuous background bouncing chick.

Rev. Brandy

At 10:47 PM, Anonymous Tatum said...

You are a sick, twisted little man... and I like that.

At 12:44 AM, Anonymous Mujer Morena said...

Not only should people who pop their collar be smacked upside the head, but the person, or people who created that ridiculousness should be punished in an even uglier fashion.

Gracias Guapo.

At 9:42 AM, Anonymous Class factotum said...

Ooooh, I would love to see that creep Chavez fish-slapped by anyone!

May I add platanos maduros to the list of Foods That Must Be Available Everywhere?

At 3:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

really though... i would LOVE to see that creep bush slapped forwards and backwards. i'd pay money for that.


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