El Guapo's World

I found myself stuck at home during “girls night” earlier this week and while I contemplated shoving guacamole in my ears, I thought about life.

Do you even understand how absolutely incredible life would be if it were El Guapo’s world? Please, come with me as I tell you about it.

First, I would change television. American television has a lot to learn from the Spanish channels. Every single television program would have scantily clad, bouncing up and down women. I don’t care if it is CNN, ESPN or a press conference from the White House. I want women in the background bouncing up and down. Slow news day? No problem because Jasmine y Candi are in the background with her green bikini top and little shorts. Just perfect.

Bueno, don’t think that the dancing women are only going to be for the television. No, in El Guapo’s world, these women would also be available in other situations. Did you get stuck watching a hanging on a railing, Celine Dion song in the background, man wearing linen pants flapping in the wind on a beach with a tear rolling down a cheek? Don’t worry. You have the option of having the woman dancing in the background during these situations as well. You women are likely scoffing at this idea of ruining your movie, but you’re talking to El Guapo and I’ve thought of this. The dancing woman isn’t ON the movie screen. It’s in holographic form somewhere else in the room. Maybe in the corner of the room so that it doesn’t distract you. This way, we can lay on the couch with you, but be watching the dancing woman. Perfect world.

Flan. Available everywhere. In every store, restaurant, and vending machine. Flan. Perfect world.

Popped collars are illegal. In fact, if you pop your collar, you get smacked over the head. It will be just like in the barrio where everyone in the neighborhood feels that they can discipline you. You pop your collar, head gets smacked. Perfect world.

If you are a doctor you are not allowed to be over six feet tall, have amazing abs, prominent chin, crystal clear blue eyes and zero body fat. Lo siento, but this is not allowed. Mira, this is El Guapo’s world. You already have four extra years of studying the human body. You’re not allowed to look like a perfect one. Does this rule stem from some insecurity that I have about not doing what mi madre wanted me to do and somehow not really being able to live up to her standards in this world? No. Why would you think that? Oh, this only applies to male doctors. Perfect world.

The rest of my world is pretty great, but I could honestly write a book about it, so I won’t bore you. I can tell you that there would be no wars, but world leaders would have face slapping events where they would take turns slapping each other in the face until someone gave up. This, of course, would be televised. Do I worry that the world super power would probably be one of those guys from Estonia that you see throwing logs on television? No. I haven’t thought about that yet. I just want to see Hugo Chavez fight George Bush.

Oh, one more thing. No more one piece bathing suits for women. Bikinis only. If you are wearing a one piece, then amiga, you are topless. Perfect world.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo