Women. Why is it that I need them so? Mira, I love mi Linda. There is no doubt about this, but sometimes, ay sometimes, I do things that make me wonder if I left my cojones in a jar on a high up counter. I will tell you this. Sometimes, I miss my cojones. They are so wonderful.
Why this talk of locked up cojones? Bueno, it is fault of women everywhere that I feel a little lighter in the pants. For some reason, women of the world decided to take a perfectly good occasion, normally celebrated by women only, and thought it a good idea to make men attend.
Baby shower no more. In Washington DC it is now called a Couples Shower.
Mira, I’m very happy for mis amigos when they decide to further segregate themselves from the rest of the social world by having children. The thing is, the occasion of celebration is one that is for women. This is the day that the mujeres decorate a room with pastel colored table tops and unnecessary flowers. This is a day that women giggle, cackle and ogle while a seated pregnant woman is given devices for their child to swing, bounce and sleep. This mis amigos, is no place for a man.
BUT, some female sadist felt it necessary to take away mi very special day when I can spend the afternoon playing soccer, drinking beer, and adjusting the cojones that I used to have.
Look, I can not get excited over a baby swing. I have nothing to add to the conversation.
“Oh Tracy, you’re going to love this swing. My little Jonathan falls right asleep when I put him in it. Isn’t that right Andrew?”
Poor Andrew. I saw the look on this man’s face. I saw him checking football scores on his phone. His hair had the look of a recent baseball hat forced off of him for it was surely not appropriate attire for such an occasion.
“Oh yes. It’s great.”
No, Andrew. It is NOT great. It’s a maldito swing. You don’t care, I don’t care and all the other men in the room thinking about how it used to be when their cojones weren’t kept in a jar don’t care. It’s a swing.
“That swing is pretty great, but it will break in about a month. They should take it back and get the model above that.”
I looked at the man who said this to me and I almost wanted to ask him how long it had been since he had possession of his cojones. Then, I wanted to punch him in the nose for having the audacity to speak in such a way to me. Then, I felt sorry for him. He had accepted his place in the world without his cojones and was just trying to go with the flow. Come on hombre! At least TRY to act like you remember what it was like before you handed them over.
This was my last couples shower. It is no place for a man. I realize that my cojones will be kept in that out of reach jar for other occasions, but not for a “party” where excitement is had at the sight of a blanket. It's a f-ing blanket...
My cojones are far to precious to be wasted on such an occasion.