El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Sunday, October 08, 2006

My cojones

Women. Why is it that I need them so? Mira, I love mi Linda. There is no doubt about this, but sometimes, ay sometimes, I do things that make me wonder if I left my cojones in a jar on a high up counter. I will tell you this. Sometimes, I miss my cojones. They are so wonderful.

Why this talk of locked up cojones? Bueno, it is fault of women everywhere that I feel a little lighter in the pants. For some reason, women of the world decided to take a perfectly good occasion, normally celebrated by women only, and thought it a good idea to make men attend.

Baby shower no more. In Washington DC it is now called a Couples Shower.

Mira, I’m very happy for mis amigos when they decide to further segregate themselves from the rest of the social world by having children. The thing is, the occasion of celebration is one that is for women. This is the day that the mujeres decorate a room with pastel colored table tops and unnecessary flowers. This is a day that women giggle, cackle and ogle while a seated pregnant woman is given devices for their child to swing, bounce and sleep. This mis amigos, is no place for a man.

BUT, some female sadist felt it necessary to take away mi very special day when I can spend the afternoon playing soccer, drinking beer, and adjusting the cojones that I used to have.

Look, I can not get excited over a baby swing. I have nothing to add to the conversation.

“Oh Tracy, you’re going to love this swing. My little Jonathan falls right asleep when I put him in it. Isn’t that right Andrew?”

Poor Andrew. I saw the look on this man’s face. I saw him checking football scores on his phone. His hair had the look of a recent baseball hat forced off of him for it was surely not appropriate attire for such an occasion.

“Oh yes. It’s great.”

No, Andrew. It is NOT great. It’s a maldito swing. You don’t care, I don’t care and all the other men in the room thinking about how it used to be when their cojones weren’t kept in a jar don’t care. It’s a swing.

“That swing is pretty great, but it will break in about a month. They should take it back and get the model above that.”

I looked at the man who said this to me and I almost wanted to ask him how long it had been since he had possession of his cojones. Then, I wanted to punch him in the nose for having the audacity to speak in such a way to me. Then, I felt sorry for him. He had accepted his place in the world without his cojones and was just trying to go with the flow. Come on hombre! At least TRY to act like you remember what it was like before you handed them over.

This was my last couples shower. It is no place for a man. I realize that my cojones will be kept in that out of reach jar for other occasions, but not for a “party” where excitement is had at the sight of a blanket. It's a f-ing blanket...

My cojones are far to precious to be wasted on such an occasion.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

16 Comments:

At 12:50 AM, Blogger J-G said...

Ay caramba EG. "Couples shower." What's next, a leash? muzzle? My condolences.

 
At 2:09 AM, Blogger Ar-Jew-Tino said...

Che pibe, I understand what you mean. A couple of months ago, I went to a "baby celebration" with mi novia. You can dress it up all you want, but it's still a shower.

 
At 4:38 AM, Blogger P1P said...

emasculation by baby shower. A sad day, a very sad day.

 
At 8:17 AM, Blogger Dispatches from the Love Boat said...

I've never been to one.... and I never will.... some of us refuse to give up our cojones. Stand up to it chico! Reclaim them!

 
At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wouldn't even want to go to a baby shower, and I'm a woman. That's bad, el guapo, really bad. Maybe you're compromising a little too much.

 
At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahahaha, you're so funny.


I think it's true, baby showers are just no place for (most) men.

 
At 2:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

God is punishing you, El Guapo. Now if you had come across for your Linda in the early morning hours, you could feign intense fatigue and thus have a legitimate excuse to avoid the shower .... :-)

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger EnnuiHerself said...

Just for record, many of us women don't particularly care for baby showers either. Baby outfits are cute, true, but I don't need to spend an entire afternoon cooing over them. And I certainly don't want to hear any stories about the horrors of childbirth.

Personally, I only go for the cake.

 
At 7:03 PM, Anonymous roonie said...

I feel the same as you do at baby showers, and I'm a woman.

 
At 10:28 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

The key to escaping a baby shower with your cojones intact is by doing at least one totally inappropriate thing while you're there. Whisper, a little too loudly, "I love babies--with a garlic ginger sauce." Alternately, just festively wrap one or two boxes of condoms and give them to the father of the little bundle. Or hand decorate a onesie with the words "I'm worth $25,000 on the black market."

If at least one of the women at the shower gives you a disturbed look, you will know that you are still a man.

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I know I am slowly losing my cajones too.

I mean, I wore an Indian kurta to my engagement party because my fiancee thought it would be a good idea.

I know they shrunk a few centimeters that day.

 
At 1:21 AM, Blogger TheAmpuT said...

First, let me say that I hate baby showers, and was none too happy when my best friend threw a "surprise" baby shower and had me kidnapped so I'd show.

That being said, should you ever become PoppiGuapo, I had better be hearing no bitching from you when TheMamacita y Bambino start taking center stage and you start feeling all left out and shit ;-)

 
At 4:01 AM, Blogger Lana Wood said...

I had a root canal a few years ago. It was more fun than all the baby and wedding showers I have been to all wrapped up together. I am so sorry you had to suffer through this indignity. I like your stories.

 
At 10:04 AM, Anonymous Sara said...

Z assure you it's not strictly a balls thing. You would not catch me dead at a baby or bridal shower, even if it were being thrown for me.

Gifts are much better given -- and opened -- privately. I once read of a Japanese tradition where, when someone brings you a gift, you set it aside and open it only after they leave. This accomplishes two things: (1) it lets your guest know that s/he is far more important than any material thing, and that the visit is the most exciting gift, and (2) it allows the recipient to react honestly -- and privately -- to whatever's in the package, and then privately compose an appropriate response in writing.

That is civilized. Showers are not.

 
At 3:35 PM, Blogger Namaste said...

Wow. Even my invisible cojones felt shriveled. Oh, the horror. Refuse the jar! Refuse it! More beer! More soccer! Scratch and burp, El Guapo! Por favor! We must end this apartheid against real men! Yikes!

 
At 5:26 PM, Anonymous Nelso Muntz said...

Ha Ha!

 

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