El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Violation

Open letter to the thieves who broke into my house:

Ola. Como estas? Are you enjoying my television? Oh, what’s that? You forgot the remote control? I’m sorry. It was under the couch that you left behind. Next time I’ll place it on top of the TV for your convenience.

How about that stereo? Nice, isn’t it? Yes, sometimes the right speaker doesn’t work, but all you have to do is wiggle the wires in the back and the sound will come out just fine. Remember to wiggle it left to right and it will work better than up and down. I don’t know why this is, but trust me on this one.

You must be enjoying my I-pod. Yes, I do have quite an eclectic collection of music. I hope you enjoy Latino music because Daddy Yankee is definitely in the house. Hip-Hop, Brazilian, R&B, yes, even country music makes an appearance on that little machine.

Oh, I see you’ve taken my lap top. Yes, that was my prized possession. Gracias for taking that. I only had all my music, stories, and pictures on there. Memories, really. I mean, who wants to live in the past right? I need to be worrying about the present and the future.

Back-up hard drive you say? Oh, yes. That is a great idea, but it seems you were nice enough to take that too. Gracias. En serio, gracias. Starting from scratch is a good thing. It builds character.

I also appreciate that you decided to have a couple of beers while you robbed me of almost everything I had. Gracias for at least putting the empty bottles in the recycling bin. I’m ever so happy that you care about the future. We have to think about the little ones, no?

It seems that you also helped yourself to a couple of my shirts. You even took my winter jacket. I’m so glad you took that. I didn’t really need it anyway. It’s too warm for me when I’m walking to the bus stop. Really, you take it. The shirts you took? Yes, they were far too colorful for me. I’m glad you have them. The one shirt that was given to me by my abuelita and had never worn? Si, I’m glad you have it.

Oh yes, gracias for breaking all of the windows unnecessarily. That was very nice of you. I enjoy living in a place with plastic windows now. It’s very refreshing.

But you did do something that made me question your humanity. How dare you, you son of a dirty chupa cabra, eat my flan? How dare you, come into mi casa, and defile my refrigerator. What kind of a human being are you? Not even an Argentinean thief would take a man’s flan, so I do not know what kind of person you are.

I will promise you this, so please pay attention. I hope to all that is holy that I am walking down the street and see you wearing one of my shirts. I will not call the police or my Indiana Jones hat wearing council member, soon to be mayor. No, he will not be called. He is too busy trying on hats. I will take care of you myself. I really hope I see you wearing my shirt. I hope there is a little bit of flan on the side of your mouth. Oh, I only hope…

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

53 Comments:

At 5:39 PM, Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders said...

Wow - that is seriously fucked up. Sorry about all the terrible luck.

 
At 5:39 PM, Anonymous Nate said...

It's just stuff El Guapo. You maybe want to think about a home security system, or a dog, or just insurance. Here's a thought, if anybody tries to order stuff off the net using your laptop and info, try to find out what address they are having any items sent to. If you use Ebay or something similar.

Sonofabitchs took your flan. Its enough to challenge one's faith in humanity.

 
At 6:00 PM, Blogger planner17 said...

Que horror, desgraciados...They took your flan! :( So sorry, El Guapo.

 
At 7:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lo siento muchisimos, El Guapo.

-Karen

 
At 9:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, that truly sucks...

Really sorry that that happened to you, what a bad experience. Did you call the police and file a report? Or whatever they do in the U.S.?

 
At 1:15 AM, Anonymous Essa said...

El Guapo, I'm sorry to hear about this!

 
At 2:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been through this before, it really sucks to have some idiot in your personal space. God Bless ~ L.

 
At 8:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry.

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger Lana Wood said...

Oh, I am so sorry this happened to you. It really is an awful feeling to have someone come into your home and take your things. They are just things, but it they are YOURS. Our homes are our sanctuary from the world, it is devastating when the evil part of the world invades it.

I was worried when you had not posted ofr several days, and hoped you were taking a tropical vacation. I am so terribly sorry this happened to you.

 
At 10:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very sorry to hear about this. It says a lot that you're able to wring humor from a terrible situation. Crappy times offer us a chance to show what we're made of. You're made of good Guatemalan stuff, El Guapo.

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Sounds like they know you - local flan thieves.

Probably caused by jealousy of your mustache.

Fingerprints on the beer bottles? Saliva traces on the flan crumbs?

Or have I been watching too many trailers for CSI?

 
At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am very sorry that you were robbed! I was going to make a cheesecake today but I will make flan instead and my friends & I will think good things for you while we eat it tonight. I hope the creeps who did this are found.
:( Liz

 
At 2:18 PM, Blogger Roonie said...

Lo siento, lo siento, lo siento! Que lastima! :( Tu eres en mi corazon.

 
At 6:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Roonie, practice your Spanish...


It's either "Tu estas en mi corazón" (You are in my heart) or "Tu eres mi corazón" which is "You are my heart (meaning love)".

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

:{ fingerprint the beer bottle... whenever u buy electronics...write down the serial number so if this ever happens again when u make a police report u can include it...in some cities pawn shops have to run the serial number through a system that is tied to the police dept....if they get a matching serial number they call the police...

 
At 7:36 PM, Anonymous sofitel said...

Que lo siento de verdad El G. No se qeu es peor, qeu te roben todos tus mas preciados objetos o saber que los hijos de p.. estuvieron en tu casa. Espero superes esto pronto

 
At 7:49 PM, Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

I was robbed several years ago. They took my VCR, my word processor, my stereo, my TV, etc...But the fuckers also took my frozen pizzas and my case of Zima! Are all thieves fat drunks?

 
At 8:30 PM, Anonymous Captain said...

Nothing a hollowpoint in the eye won't fix. :P I hope you find them El Guapo!

 
At 9:29 PM, Anonymous restaurant gal said...

I am so sorry. The bad guys just suck.

I have an IPod with too much acoustic music on it, which I would galdly give you. I have a not-so-old computer, and I can offer to back up the next generation of data for you and keep it safe, off site. But that doesn't really help right now, does it?

Like I said, the bad guys really suck....--The Gal

 
At 10:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven't commented on your blog before but I am longtime reader, always enjoying your intelligent and witty commentary about everyday things. In response to this post, I felt the need to say only this in my limited knowlege of Spanish: lo siento :(.

-Liza

 
At 11:40 PM, Blogger TheAmpuT said...

The whole thing is such a violation in the first place, but to actually hang out and drink your beer and eat your FLAN??!!
It just makes my blood boil.
Sorry for the bad news and your loss of things personal...
Now I will go do mojo for the assholes to have some rapid karma.

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger P1P said...

aw crap. that's shitty luck. I hope the get caught and sent to a jail where they are considered pretty.

 
At 8:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And this is why I moved out of Mt. Pleasant several years ago. One home burlarly, three car break-ins, being followed home from the bus stop by men uttering nasty suggestions to me... Yes, it's nice to have a good pupuseria nearby, but I'd rather feel safe and have my shit secured in my condo on the orange line.

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger kschic said...

ay-ya-yah! Lo siento!

 
At 9:01 AM, Blogger Christopher Robin said...

Damn, that sucks. Taking both the flan and the backup drive is just cold.

I hope things get sorted out and back to normal soon.

 
At 9:20 AM, Anonymous jarrad Maiers said...

and the back-up drive? Damn, there is little I value more than all the work I put onto my back up drives. that well and truly sucks ass. I hope you find the guy.

 
At 9:47 AM, Anonymous Kiz said...

Oh man, I'm really sorry to hear about that. I'll try to offer some advice; I just had my laptop stolen from me, but got a little bit out of that experience.

First, there's only a very, very slim chance that you'll be able to recover any merchandise. But if you have the serial numbers for any of that written down, then go ahead and submit that along with whatever police reports you filed.

Your -best- chance for recovering merchandise is to check the pawn shops in the area. It's -very- rare for your stolen goods to show up on eBay; most thieves are concerned with liquidating hot stuff fast and without any kind of 'paper trail' (you can try, but it's an extremely long shot). But yeah, check the closest pawn shops around where you are and try to see if anyone hocked a laptop, stereo, or flan with your name on it--serial numbers will probably be scratched off, but if you're lucky, they might not have wiped the hard drive off your laptop.

That's about the most help I can offer. Best of luck EG. K

 
At 11:13 AM, Anonymous may said...

sorry to hear about it. hang in there....

 
At 5:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh honey!

 
At 5:55 PM, Blogger Phil said...

Somewhere nearby your home is a Pawn Shop with a TV and iPod with "El Guapo" etched on the back.

 
At 10:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fui yo! Yo me comi el flan!! lol!

 
At 10:43 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

el ultimo anonimo...no seas gacho con eso no se juega....ni siquiera compartiste el flan :P

el guapo fue broma no me excolmulges de aqui, porfas

 
At 1:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lo siento mucho. your blog is awesome. I have a ton of Daddy Yankee & other good stuff, can share.
Abbi

 
At 8:32 AM, Anonymous Madame M said...

Lo siento mucho, Guapo. Pero sobre todo, lo siento por el flan.

 
At 10:23 AM, Blogger Aly Sondrup said...

That really sucks I am so sorry!

 
At 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok El Guapo, you get the guns and I'll bring the flan. We are having a theif hunting party.

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger fozylet said...

sorry to hear that! :(

 
At 3:06 PM, Anonymous Marco Antonio said...

Hey, is Guatemalan Flan the same as Spanish Flan?? Or is flan universal? Just wondering..

 
At 3:06 PM, Anonymous Marco Antonio said...

Hey, is Guatemalan Flan the same as Spanish Flan?? Or is flan universal? Just wondering..

 
At 5:52 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

Hey I got this kewl recipe for a
chocoflan
if ur interested...let me know

 
At 10:01 PM, Anonymous angela said...

oh, goodness. i'm so sorry.

if i should ever by some strange occurence of fate see those bastards, i will kick them. hard.

and then maybe chop their feet off or something crazy like that.

<3

 
At 11:02 PM, Blogger jaymichaelrivera said...

Lo siento, Hermano. I've had my things stolen from my home once and I understand what a terrible feeling it is.

We are here for you. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

 
At 10:40 AM, Anonymous Sara said...

Oh, how dreadful! I'm so sorry!

 
At 8:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

jesus, man. i'm so sorry. that's absolutely terrible.

 
At 10:31 PM, Anonymous roonie said...

I would like to thank the person who was oh-so-kind enough to point out my bad Spanish. Thank you.

 
At 11:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, el Guapo. That is aweful.

When I lived in DC, my house was robbed twice by the same person (we could tell b/c all of the rooms robbed the first time were left untouched the second time). Not only did he steal everything valuable, but he read my roommate's diary, ate our food, stole our beer, and for the GRAND finale - took a nice HUGE dump in the downstairs guest bed that we found one day later BY SMELL. I'm not kidding.

 
At 2:56 AM, Blogger sha said...

I think it was someone who knew you too. I hope you get it all ironed out. I had a bunch of my things stolen by someone so I feel your pain.

Good luck to you, El Guapo

 
At 3:30 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

I can't even imagine, given the sheltered existence I lead at the moment. I will keep you in my prayers. In the meantime...the internet isn't a bad place for keeping photos and stories also...

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger La Mitotera said...

Sin verguenzas!!! I can't believe they had the nerve to eat your flan and have a beer. I am so sorry that happened to you, and I hope they get what is coming to them (like a good swift kick in the culo).

 
At 6:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

el guapo...
I bought Goya flan at the supermarket in honor of you. Me and my roomies (students at UC Irvine) read your blog. Hope things get better :(!!

 
At 9:21 AM, Blogger Facinacion said...

El Guapo,
Soooo sorry someone ate your flan.. that sucks!
no.. seriously, really sorry you had to go through that.. that's fucked up big time.. sorry.. it's a lot of money on all you described.
I always get things stolen here... today I got a ring stolen.. a cheap ring that has a lot of sentimental value.. but I think can't compare w/ the bunch of things you mentioned... so hope you somehow get them back

 
At 7:12 PM, Anonymous Michelle in Silver Spring said...

Aw, El Guapo. That sucks bigtime. I wish I could make it better. The best I got is a story from when I lived in Atlanta. I had a friend who was a doctoral student at Emory University. His apartment was broken into and the thieves took the computer his dissertation was stored on. Because he was a careful kind of guy, he had backups of the dissertation on floppy disks (yes, this was some years ago). But the thieves apparently had zero understanding of the consumer electronics marketplace, because they took the floppies too. Sure they ended up in a Dumpster somewhere. Poor bastard. The guys who did that and the guys who got you will rot in hell, I feel certain.

 
At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aw, I'm so sorry El Guapo!

 

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