Open letter to the thieves who broke into my house:
Ola. Como estas? Are you enjoying my television? Oh, what’s that? You forgot the remote control? I’m sorry. It was under the couch that you left behind. Next time I’ll place it on top of the TV for your convenience.
How about that stereo? Nice, isn’t it? Yes, sometimes the right speaker doesn’t work, but all you have to do is wiggle the wires in the back and the sound will come out just fine. Remember to wiggle it left to right and it will work better than up and down. I don’t know why this is, but trust me on this one.
You must be enjoying my I-pod. Yes, I do have quite an eclectic collection of music. I hope you enjoy Latino music because Daddy Yankee is definitely in the house. Hip-Hop, Brazilian, R&B, yes, even country music makes an appearance on that little machine.
Oh, I see you’ve taken my lap top. Yes, that was my prized possession. Gracias for taking that. I only had all my music, stories, and pictures on there. Memories, really. I mean, who wants to live in the past right? I need to be worrying about the present and the future.
Back-up hard drive you say? Oh, yes. That is a great idea, but it seems you were nice enough to take that too. Gracias. En serio, gracias. Starting from scratch is a good thing. It builds character.
I also appreciate that you decided to have a couple of beers while you robbed me of almost everything I had. Gracias for at least putting the empty bottles in the recycling bin. I’m ever so happy that you care about the future. We have to think about the little ones, no?
It seems that you also helped yourself to a couple of my shirts. You even took my winter jacket. I’m so glad you took that. I didn’t really need it anyway. It’s too warm for me when I’m walking to the bus stop. Really, you take it. The shirts you took? Yes, they were far too colorful for me. I’m glad you have them. The one shirt that was given to me by my abuelita and had never worn? Si, I’m glad you have it.
Oh yes, gracias for breaking all of the windows unnecessarily. That was very nice of you. I enjoy living in a place with plastic windows now. It’s very refreshing.
But you did do something that made me question your humanity. How dare you, you son of a dirty chupa cabra, eat my flan? How dare you, come into mi casa, and defile my refrigerator. What kind of a human being are you? Not even an Argentinean thief would take a man’s flan, so I do not know what kind of person you are.
I will promise you this, so please pay attention. I hope to all that is holy that I am walking down the street and see you wearing one of my shirts. I will not call the police or my Indiana Jones hat wearing council member, soon to be mayor. No, he will not be called. He is too busy trying on hats. I will take care of you myself. I really hope I see you wearing my shirt. I hope there is a little bit of flan on the side of your mouth. Oh, I only hope…