Couch Redemption

About 3-4 years ago, I was rummaging through my neighbor’s mail and I came across a furniture catalog that caught my eye. Normalmente I don’t bother with these catalogs, but this one had a special quality that made my beautiful Latino eyes stop. I set aside his copy of Playboy and opened up the glossy pages.

There was a couch contained within these pages that made my jaw drop. Now, note that I normally could care less about furniture, but this couch was beautiful. It seemed to have been splashed with all of the warm colors found in nature and in a Latino household: red, yellow, orange etc etc. It was glorious.

I knew that if I owned this couch, any woman that saw it would say, “El Guapo, please make love to me on this couch right now.” I needed this couch. This was a magical couch.

Unfortunately, the price tag on this couch was very much out of my price range. But I needed this couch. So for the next several months I did side jobs, I saved, I scrimped, not one couch pillow was left unturned until I had saved every penny needed (plus tax) to buy this couch that was surely inspired by the most Guatemalan saint Pedro de San Jose Betancourt, or as we call him, Hermano Pedro.

But mis amigos, I will tell you something. I never did get this couch. When I went to the store, in Virginia mind you, I was treated with indifference and disrespect. I sat on this couch and every hair on my body rose up in excitement. I was finally going to be able to say this was mine. But no. It was not so.

When I asked a man for some help, I received this response:

“Look man, come back another time. We don’t have layaway. I’m busy with my clients.”

Layaway… First of all, we don’t do layaway. Second, I don’t know what happened. I had what was a good chunk of cash sitting in yellow envelope in my pocket ready to be handed over, but I refused. Maybe I should have showed him the money, but I didn’t feel it necessary to make a point. This store was not going to be getting my business.

Then the other night I happen to overhear a conversation. This store was going bankrupt.

Now, I don’t want to take complete credit for this, but I will tell you that a big factor in Storehouse’s parent company going bankrupt is because one of their salespeople was given the Guatemalan curse. Now, do I feel good that people are going to be out of a job? No, I know what this is like. I hope they find something very soon. But do I have something to say to Storehouse? Si. I do. Crate and Barrel is better anyway bitch.

That is all.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo