El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Thursday, January 26, 2006

So, what do you do? : Que?

“So, what do you do?”

My least favorite fucking question that everyone asks each other in DC.

I act like I didn’t understand what she said and put my hand up to my ear.

“I’m really enjoying talking with you. You’re a lot different than most of the guys that come in here.”

Translation: Not a lot of Mexicans come in here. I’m totally digging the brown honey. Are you by any chance Guatemalan?

I’m a dancer.

“Yes, I know you can dance. I’ve been dancing with you silly (she touches my chest), but what do you do for a living. For dinero.

Gracias for translating that for me you fucking bitch.

Oh (smiling) for dinero… I’m sorry, I didn’t understand. Yes, I’m a dancer for money. I’m a professional dancer.

“Like at a club? Are you an exotic dancer?”

You have no idea, mami.

Actually, no. I’m a performance artist. I’m paid to dance on stage, but with my clothes on. Well, most of my clothes. It depends on the piece.

“Wow! That’s so sexy. What do you dance?”

I specialize in three types of dance: Improvisational Reggaeton Tap, Square Dancing Irish Swing, and Malaysian Finger Dancing.

“I’ve never heard of those.”

Yes, they’re muy popular amongst the performing arts community. I don’t mean to brag, but you’re speaking with the best fucking Malaysian Finger Dancer in North America.

“Oh my god! Really? Can you teach me?”

Well, Malaysian finger dancing is muy complicado. I lived in Ghana for 3 years before I was able to get my certificate.

“Ghana? Is that where Malaysian finger dancing comes from?”

No, the art of Malaysian finger dancing is actually of Australian origin, but all the world renowned teachers are in either Ghana or the Vidal Sassoon in London.

“Isn’t that a hair place?”

Just during the day. At night it becomes a premier Malaysian finger dancing studio.

“Are you like a celebrity?”

Yes, sort of. I have a pretty popular Malaysian finger dancing CD out. It’s called “Stromboli con Fingers”. You can buy it at any hardware store. Thanks for your support.

I walk away. Is it this hard to meet people in this ciudad?

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 2:20 AM, Blogger Salon de The said...

El Guapo,

I stumbled unto your Blog from reading Velvet in Dupont. I like your posts. They are very funny. Well, I guess DC and LA are not so different. People here ask the same question, too. People are judgmental by nature, so, don't take them too seriously.

At 8:33 AM, Blogger Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

Oh my GOD! Absolutely dying of laughter here. I wish I had a wittier comment, but I'm just giggling too much. ;)

At 9:33 AM, Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

Hey Guapo, you aked before about how you write Tildes using a gringo keyboard. Here are the codes.

á = Alt + 0225
é = Alt + 0233
í = Alt + 0237
ó = Alt + 0243
ú = Alt + 0250
ñ = Alt + 0241
ü = Alt + 0252

¡ = Alt + 0161
¿ Alt + 0191
When using this utterly

By the way, where do you salsa? I usually go to Clarendon on Mondays of Divinos on Fridays.

At 9:43 AM, Anonymous That southern belle said...

Heh. I would love to see that dumb broad's face in a few days when she finally realizes what you were saying.

At 10:03 AM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

SB: She won't realize. That's the beauty of it. She doesn't even know Malaysia, Australia, and Ghana are different countries. Here's my advice: Just say you are a whale autopsy technician and a Chippendales dancer in your spare time.

At 10:13 AM, Blogger Thicky said...

"Improvisational Reggaeton Tap", I can only imagine??? Who are you? Tienes hermanos? I am trying to figure where do you get the time to think of all this???

Going to a bookstore.

At 10:15 AM, Blogger Sterculian Rhetoric said...

I suspect your friend, the one who suffers from being an idiota, would have said:

“Ay, mami. I would like to make you soup.”

A bit of bilabial fricative would most assuredly have ensued. The young American Gringa is not well informed....god bless them!

'She doesn't even know Malaysia, Australia, and Ghana are different countries.'
What? Everyone knows that Australians aren't real! Lord Tunderin' Jaysus girl!

At 10:32 AM, Blogger Namaste said...

Stay away from Malaysian finger dancers, amor!

At 11:23 AM, Blogger la guera loca said...

El Guapo,

I hypothesize that you like the attention - even if it is from dumb broads. Hell, baby boy, if the brown skin can get you laid, why not make the most of it?

Just don't forget the condoms.

At 1:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, so you met a chick in a bar, danced with her, and she tried to strike up a conversation. What a fucking bitch!

At 1:04 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Te quiero mucho anonymous. I am sorry that I made love to your hermana. Do not hate me for ever.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

At 1:07 PM, Blogger RoarSavage said...

Woah, haterade! Starting dumb convos and not having anything intelligent to say is on par with not having the convo at all. She gets points for interest, but like, even you have to admit the woman was silly. Chill.

At 1:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Easy dude! I don't hate you, I'm just wondering what your problem was with this chick.

Your welcome to my sister - she's 36 and still single, I'm worried she might be gay. Maybe you can bang some sense into her.

At 1:59 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Your sister sounds nice. Does she wear boots? ;-)

I was solamente hablando about the type of questions people ask each other in DC. I never ask this question when I first meet someone. There were other comments she made that were, bueno, very dumb. I was just having fun.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

At 2:16 PM, Blogger ejtakeslife said...

This is priceless. Plus, now I'm totally wondering what Malaysian Finger Dancing would look like. I'm picturing something sensual, yet clinging to modesty by a fingertip.

At 2:35 PM, Blogger John said...

I always thought that the question in DC went something like this:

"So, what do you do (and how can I use you to further my career)?"

At 3:17 PM, Anonymous kbean said...

Oh El Guapo,

I'd be your partner for some Square Dancing Irish Swing any day. Tengo un crush grande. Next time I see a hot guy in Columbia Heights (very rare), I'll have to restrain myself from leaping across 14th Street and shouting "El Guapo!"

At 3:26 PM, Blogger always write said...

The girl was indeed silly. And likely shallow. And I wish I'd been a fly on the wall. But to be fair, sometimes "What do you do?" is just a conversational catalyst, to try and ferret out some commonalities so you don't stand there staring into your drinks or talking for two hours about politics. (That would be so D.C.)

At 3:41 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

Or, you could always say you're a professional 'sopa' taster.

At 3:54 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

No, no, no. El Guapo no es solamente a soup taster. He is a soup maker. The second implies real skill in an underserved area.

At 10:33 PM, Blogger hugaliciousgurl said...

Finger dancing? Who in their right mind would even believe that mess? That is absolutely righteous!

At 1:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is the funniest blog post i have ever read. thank you!!!

-former chocolate city resident

At 8:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hay muchos hotties in Columbia Heights. Abre tus ojos, fool. And walk down Columbia Road to Adams Morgan. You'll see.


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