Clavicle: Not a Greek God
“Mr. El Guapo, the results from the MRI came back showing that you have cysts all along your rotator cuff and clavicle.”
There must me some mistake. I’m Guatemalan. We don’t get cysts.
“Mr. El Guapo, I’m afraid that there aren’t any studies precluding the Guatemalan people from having this condition. No need to worry, however, this is very easily fixed with surgery.”
Look, I’m not sure where you went to medical school, but Guatemalans don’t get cysts. I’m not even sure if I have a clavicle, so why don’t you go ahead and re-check the results.
“Mr. El Guapo, the clavicle is medical term for the collar-bone. All humans have two clavicles.”
Dr., did you by any chance go to medical school in Argentina? It’s best if we get that out of the way first.
“I attended Harvard Medical School.”
Couldn’t get into Johns Hopkins then? I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m Guatemalan….
“Mr. El Guapo, this surgery is very simple. I would shave a couple of centimeters off of your clavicle and clean up any torn cartilage around your shoulder joint. The procedure itself would last about 2-3 hours and you’d be going home that same day.”
Mira, I’m very attached to my newly-found clavicle. I’m not so sure I want you shaving any parts of it off. What would happen if we just left it as it is?
“Pain for the rest of your life every time you move your left arm.”
Fantastico… Surgery. I found myself looking at my doctor wondering if maybe I should see a physician that didn’t go to a second-tier medical school. I’m a Guatemalan and not supposed to have any kind of physical maladies. This doesn’t make sense.
Ok, Mr. Doctor man, I’ll let you operate on me. I just have a couple of questions for you. Are you Argentinean or in any way affiliated with the country of Argentina?
“I went to Buenos Aires when I was in college.”
I see. What are your feelings regarding the Argentinean people in general?
“I’m not sure I know how to answer this question taking into account your underlying resentment towards everything Argentinean.”
Listen Mr. Doctor. There is nothing underlying about my feelings towards Argentina. I’m sorry. I’m being a bit emotional. I have cysts, need surgery, and all of a sudden have two clavicles. This is a lot for me handle in one day.
“Don’t worry Mr. El Guapo. I’ll take good care of you. Let’s schedule the surgery.”
Joder. My body isn’t what it used to be. I guarantee, however, that it’s much better than Rhett Miller’s gringo frame…
Mucho Amor,
El Guapo
posted by El Guapo in DC @ 12:07 PM
12 Comments:
dearest, el guapo your snark is muy appreciated. i hope you and your newly found clavicles get along splendidly from now on.
Best of luck to you and your clavicle!
Best of luck to you. And thanks for explaining, as I too, did not know what a clavicle was!
It could be worse... they could have only found one clavicle in you. Then where would you be?
I like how the doc was calling you Mr. El Guapo, sounds so grownup!
This will cost El Guapo many pesos.
I'll bet they're the most el guapo clavicles in the world.
Mr. Guapo, don't do it! Clearly this man is nothing but an Argentinean agent. He will shave your clavicle, extract the marrow, and sell it on ebay to the highest bidder from the Riverplate. I know a good doctor from the U. of Quezaltenango... he also has a pupusa stand on the weekends but I'm sure he can make some time for your most handsome clavícula. Let me know. Raincouver.
El Guapo, hope your surgery goes well.
I am 100 percent confident those cysts actually mark you as a true Greek God reborn El Guapo. But in this world, it's best that El Guapo lives pain free. Good luck and a speedy recovery from The Gal.
So what were you over using your left arm on so as to damage your clavicle?
Make sure he uses one of those "mach three" type things when he shaves your clavicle. You certainly don't want 5 o'clock shadow there!
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