Vegas Baby, Vegas Final
The Las Vegas gambling community asked me not to post anything regarding my complete domination of their institution for fear that Guatemalans worldwide would flock to their beloved city and bankrupt them all.
It is not my fault that Guatemalans are known to not only be extremely good looking, but also expert gamblers. I apologize to every casino for taking their hard earned money. A special thanks to the two well dressed 300 lb men who gave me the advice to leave Las Vegas. I will say, however, that you should maybe pay a visit to your casino doctor. I don’t think you are supposed to sniff as often as that.
As you all know, I was in Las Vegas with mi Linda and several of her gringa friends. It was quite an experience. I learned many things about gringas that you don’t learn when you are seducing them on the dance floor. Did you know that gringas have a top five lista of men that they are allowed to bed if given the opportunity? Bed, without any kind of repercussion from their significant other.
Turns out that mi Linda also had such a list.
No entiendo. He doesn’t even have a mustache. Why would you want him?
“Have you seen his body? Have you heard his accent?”
No, but have you seen my body? Have you heard my accent? I know for a fact that he is not Guatemalan. Wait, wasn’t he in the Wedding Planner? A real thespian that one.
“He’s a singer/songwriter.”
For the record, I hate the label “singer/songwriter”. Mira, I’m a singer/songwriter. If you sing in a band, you damn well better be able to write a little musica. I looked him up when I had the time. No mustache and not Guatemalan. Is that a mole on his chin or does he like chocolate?Oh, again with the blue eyes. What is going on with mi Linda? Is she trying to tell me something?
“Brad Pitt used to be on my list, but not anymore. Not since Angelina Jolie.”
Ok, I was starting to get a little worried here. Brad Pitt, while no longer on the list, was definitely not Guatemalan.
“Patrick Dempsey!” All the gringas giggled at this.
Again with the light eyes… Again with the no mustache… The last name Dempsey, nope, not Guatemalan.
So, wait, you get to have 5 people on a list and if you get the opportunity you can sleep with them and I can’t get upset?
Who would be on my list? I start thinking about my list then. If mi Linda gets a list, I’m going to make my list too.
So, who is beautiful in my mind? Ok, there is a gringa that I have always been infatuated with: Demi Moore. I know, I know, but I stand by it. All she needs in her life is a Guatemalan named El Guapo.
Then I quickly go through the beautiful women who should go to bed with me: Carmen Dominicci, Ana Claudia Talancon, Penelope Cruz…..
Wait, can anyone be on this list? And you can’t get mad at me for sleeping with them?
As much as I would like to have the women listed above as my lovers, I had to be realistic. What were the chances that I would meet these women? Sure, once they met me it would be a done deal, but would be the chances that I would meet them? So, I did what any gambling man would do: I changed my list a bit.
Who is on my list?
Zaidra (no last name known) – She works in the Pupuseria down the street from me. We’ve all seen the way that she gives me extra cheese in my pupusas. Can there be return visits or do you have to cross them off the list?
Girl with tight jeans on my bus – She is in love with El Guapo. I’m not sure if she is Guatemalan, but I know that she is infatuated with my mustache. She tried to touch it one time. She’s definitely on my list.
Penelope (next door neighbor) – Look, she’s kind of been on my list before I even knew anything about lists, but she made her presence known. She also makes the cut.
Look, if you get to have a list, you have to put people that you have a realistic chance of being with. Why do you think that I am el rey of Las Vegas? I play the odds!
Oh, look, I can still have two more on the list. Fine, I’ve played the odds enough.. Demi Moore gets to be on the list.
Not to be completely corny and un-Guatemalan, but, I would have to, put mi Linda on mi lista. This is just one that I wouldn't want to cross off, ever.
Oh, for the record, Matthew McConaughey, Rhett Miller, and Patrick Dempsey, if you’re reading, stay the hell away from mi Linda and DC. Trust me, you can’t handle her. It takes a mustached Guatemalan for this. Te lo prometo.