Here is what I need right now.
I need someone to write a book titled, “How to get your dog to stop shitting inside the house.” I would buy this book. Look, it doesn’t even have to be an entire book. How about you write a chapter with that title? I’m sitting on a bus reading a book by a fellow Latino who is talking about the “energy” that animals feel. Energy? How I have to use the natural energy of mother nature to make my dog feel like a dog… Fuck mother nature. Just tell me how to make him stop going in the house.
Jesus Christ, I seriously paid money for this? People actually buy into this? I’m going to write a book of my own then. It’s going to be titled, “Don’t buy stupid ass books because there is a fellow Latino on the cover.” I’m not really sure how many people would actually buy this, but now that I’m on the subject of books, there are a couple more that I would write:
“Don’t think Sex in the City will help you understand white women.” Trust me. It won’t. I know that a couple of you out there watch the show for tips, but just stop. You're wasting brain cells. Sure, I’m sure they appreciate the effort, but you will end up even more confused than when you before you found out what a Jimmy Choo is. Oh yeah, do guys really wear Prada clothing? Where are these guys?
“Don’t date women who eat sushi with a fork.” Now that is a book that I should write. I think every guy has been there. Look, I don’t really like sushi very much. It’s interesting now and again, but not on a daily or weekly basis. Bless the Japanese with their bowing, but I can’t do it. When I do decide to eat raw fish (I still think it’s a Japanese mafia for saving money on stoves) I grab those two little sticks and I give it my best shot. Sure, I’ve had the fish go flying onto the next table many a time, but at least I try. When in Rome right? No, I’ve dated so many women (sorry, usually the gringas) who ask for the fork that it drives me crazy.
“Don’t let your best friend date your sister.” It’s not worth it. You know where he’s been and you don’t want your sister to go there. Make it stop the moment it starts. Kick him in the groin so many times that he will forget the name of his abuelita in Guadalajara. Trust me, years later your friends will still throw it in your face.
“Don’t buy your girlfriend stuff that you would enjoy.” I made the mistake of buying mi Linda a TIVO. Now, I know that she doesn’t watch as much TV as me, but hey, I was trying to help her. Maybe by recording shows that I, errr she enjoys, she will be able to watch more. No? Makes sense right? Isn’t a present that can be shared better? No!
“I want to kick the guy who came up with the slogan, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend” in the face.” Yes, I realize that is a long title, but I want to kick him in the face. Several times. Shouldn’t cats be a girl’s best friend? Why do women covet something that is obtained by the fingers of a 7 year old Angolan boy? Pretty soon the diamond will be worth more depending on how many people died obtaining it: Yes miss, this one here cost the lives of 3 South Africans and 4 Angolans. It’s quite a piece. No, no, you don’t want to be caught dead in that one. Only one child died getting that.
Lo siento about the mood. I’m out of flan and I had a bad Ethiopian restaurant experience. Stupid honey wine...