El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Friday, August 18, 2006


Here is what I need right now.

I need someone to write a book titled, “How to get your dog to stop shitting inside the house.” I would buy this book. Look, it doesn’t even have to be an entire book. How about you write a chapter with that title? I’m sitting on a bus reading a book by a fellow Latino who is talking about the “energy” that animals feel. Energy? How I have to use the natural energy of mother nature to make my dog feel like a dog… Fuck mother nature. Just tell me how to make him stop going in the house.

Jesus Christ, I seriously paid money for this? People actually buy into this? I’m going to write a book of my own then. It’s going to be titled, “Don’t buy stupid ass books because there is a fellow Latino on the cover.” I’m not really sure how many people would actually buy this, but now that I’m on the subject of books, there are a couple more that I would write:

Don’t think Sex in the City will help you understand white women.” Trust me. It won’t. I know that a couple of you out there watch the show for tips, but just stop. You're wasting brain cells. Sure, I’m sure they appreciate the effort, but you will end up even more confused than when you before you found out what a Jimmy Choo is. Oh yeah, do guys really wear Prada clothing? Where are these guys?

Don’t date women who eat sushi with a fork.” Now that is a book that I should write. I think every guy has been there. Look, I don’t really like sushi very much. It’s interesting now and again, but not on a daily or weekly basis. Bless the Japanese with their bowing, but I can’t do it. When I do decide to eat raw fish (I still think it’s a Japanese mafia for saving money on stoves) I grab those two little sticks and I give it my best shot. Sure, I’ve had the fish go flying onto the next table many a time, but at least I try. When in Rome right? No, I’ve dated so many women (sorry, usually the gringas) who ask for the fork that it drives me crazy.

Don’t let your best friend date your sister.” It’s not worth it. You know where he’s been and you don’t want your sister to go there. Make it stop the moment it starts. Kick him in the groin so many times that he will forget the name of his abuelita in Guadalajara. Trust me, years later your friends will still throw it in your face.

“Don’t buy your girlfriend stuff that you would enjoy.” I made the mistake of buying mi Linda a TIVO. Now, I know that she doesn’t watch as much TV as me, but hey, I was trying to help her. Maybe by recording shows that I, errr she enjoys, she will be able to watch more. No? Makes sense right? Isn’t a present that can be shared better? No!

I want to kick the guy who came up with the slogan, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend” in the face.” Yes, I realize that is a long title, but I want to kick him in the face. Several times. Shouldn’t cats be a girl’s best friend? Why do women covet something that is obtained by the fingers of a 7 year old Angolan boy? Pretty soon the diamond will be worth more depending on how many people died obtaining it: Yes miss, this one here cost the lives of 3 South Africans and 4 Angolans. It’s quite a piece. No, no, you don’t want to be caught dead in that one. Only one child died getting that.

Lo siento about the mood. I’m out of flan and I had a bad Ethiopian restaurant experience. Stupid honey wine...

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 3:00 AM, Anonymous La Hembra said...


I didn't want to give you this tip before for fear of offending your outer macho, but Chulo is counting on you. Swallow your pride and do what a lot of us did as novices: Go to the library (yes, Miguel, it is even "gayer" than a bookstore) and check out Dog Training for Dummies. Find your chapter and you are on your way.

You don't need the dog whisperer yet, you just need to teach yourself to train Chulo. It will take longer than you think and work better than you imagine.


At 8:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sory it's not going well Guapo. Here is a good site with many helpful Bully links.

http://www.yourpurebredpuppy.com/faq/bulldogs.html APB

At 11:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. My daughter says its a good thing 'Bitsey' is cute. Bitsey is half Beagle & half Dachshund. Our pet sitter told me that Bitsey was either deaf or the dumbest dog ever. She is NOT deaf. She actually failed training class. I know why she was at the pound - waiting for a sucker like me. After 2 years, we have our good days and bad days. Now it is about 50/50. At this rate,I figure by the time I am mess free, the dog will become incontinent from old age. I should have just stuck with my best friend - yes CATS!
Let us know how you succeed so I can have hope.

At 1:46 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Sushi with a fork is wrong.

My woman won't even eat sushi. But I have tried to teach her how to use chopsticks. I am a chopstick guy.

At 8:34 PM, Anonymous angela said...

i'm sorry about Chulo's incontinence and your lack of flan. feel better.

At 10:35 PM, Blogger Raven said...

Try this book...it worked for me House Training for Dummies
I need all the help I could get.

At 7:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is hard to house train a pet. Please whatever you do not hit your doggie, or rub his nose in it. If you do not catch him doing it, it is too late. You have to make going where you want him to go a rewarding experience, and not going everywhere else not fun. First, lay out newspaper on the floor in front of the door you want him to learn to ask to go out when he has to go. Then, every time you catch him going in a BAD place, take him over to the newspaper to finish. Get all excited, tell him good job, good poopie, doo doo, #2, see a man about a horse, or whatever you want to teach him is the signal word for "we are going to go take a crap now, and it will be fun." You have to be consistent. Always call it the same thing, always act like it is the best freaking crap you ever saw when he does it in the right place and do not react at all if it is in the wrong place except to quickly move him to the right place. No yelling, hitting, screaming, or holding him to comfortingly, or making it in any way a fun thing for him to do. Also, take him for a walk a lot, and use the same word. When you are putting him on the paper you say, good boy, make poopie, then when you are taking him outside, you say, let's go make poopie. (This is why most of us use a "cute" word, because wandering around convincing your do you are thrilled about his poop is a strange thing to do in public.) It is tough if the owner works and the pet is alone for an entire workday. If you can go home to walk him at lunch that is good. (How would you feel if YOU couldn't go all day?)If you are consistent, you should be all set in a month, tops if your dog is a dumbass. Most dogs I have had took about a week to two weeks. Just remember to just love the friggin poop in the right place and you got it made. The dog wants to make you happy. You can tell when a dog has to go if you watch, they kinda start to walk like they are bowlegged and sniff around before they go. Also, you have to be fair, if he askes to go out, you have to take him even if you are watch World Cup soccer, or eating flan. Good luck.

At 8:21 AM, Anonymous AlexB said...

Another thought EG. Bulldogs train well when crated. Yes, it looks like a cage, but we call it a crate. Petco and Petsmart have them and they are cheap. When he outgrows one, just Craig's List it and buy another. Get one just big enough for Chulo and put a folded towel in it. He is much less likely to dump in there if he can't get away from it. Also, in case you didn't notice, young puppies need to go every few hours. If you are leaving him alone for more than 4 hours, he's GOING to go, no buts. Lastly, another potty training trick is to get a good routine, Bulldogs are very sensitive to routine, and to breaks in it. Keep it up.
How about a puppy update? -Alex

At 3:27 PM, Blogger Mac G said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 3:35 PM, Blogger Mac G said...

You are right on about that dating your sister book. I had a friend who could have used it. He told me that dating his buddies sister was one of the worst decisions he ever made. It was really hard when she pulled a 180, started to be really mean to him and he could not vent to his buddy about what he was dealing with. Great Idea

Just rub your little muts nose in that pee, dont be afraid to beat him either.

At 12:57 AM, Blogger DogStar Training said...

Obviously late to the party, but I had to post. Way To Go by Patricia McConnell is great and covers house training for dogs of any age. Anything by Patricia McConnell is great.

Ignore the Dog Whisperer. He should go whisper to something else. Maybe iguanas.

Great blog!!


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