El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Monday, August 14, 2006

Trip to the South

You all know that I don’t like to leave the comfortable confines of Washington DC. I’ve never really known what it is, but whenever I leave the District, I get sweaty, nervous and a little paranoid. I force myself to leave in the name of expanding my Guatemalan horizons, but, again, no me gusta.

“Excuse me, I didn’t have my car today, did you happen to hear NASCAR?”

NASCAR. I stared at this gentleman with my hand on the gas pump without really knowing what to say. I was wearing leather sandals, shorts that covered my knees and a shirt with embroidered designs. What was it about me that made this man with the dull blonde hair ask me this question? Did he not notice my Guatemalan mustache glistening in the sun?

“Oh, I didn’t see your license plate. You probably don’t even know what NASCAR eeeis. You know, I was born in Washington “Blankety-blank” DC. You can fill in what the “blankety-blank” stands for. Thanks anyway man.”

I was perplexed. What does the “blankety-blank” stand for? Who says this “blankety-blank” word? Is a it a word?

Now, this all happened as I was leaving the fine city of Richmond after a “nice little weekend away” and I apologize in advance for M. Night Shyamalanizing, but I had to give you a feel for this weekend. I couldn’t start off with my comment on the confederate flag t-shirts.

Could anyone guess where I was? Mi Linda and I took Chulo for a “nice little weekend away” in Richmond, Virginia to visit some of her friends.

The best way to describe Richmond is a city with people who have just discovered flip flops, ethnic cuisine, and the world outside of the country club. It’s like that doctor’s daughter who suddenly gets into punk music after a life of Lacoste shirts and listening to Simon and Garfunkel. Make sense?

I did see a guy wearing a “You looked hotter on Myspace” walking down the street. I’ve seen people wearing these shirts before, but it wasn’t the shirt that was interesting. It was that he had a herpes blister the size and shape of Madagascar. It was truly incredible. I couldn’t stop staring at it and Chulo couldn’t stop barking at it. I wanted to take a picture of it to show you, but I was afraid it would suddenly explode and ruin the nice little Watermelon festival that they were having. Oh yes, in Richmond, they celebrate the Watermelon. Why? I’m not sure. I felt it was a random fruit to center an entire festival around. I would have chosen a mango, guava or the tamarind, but what do I know? Do you know what we need in DC? A flan festival.

I do give Richmond the El Guapo seal of approval. I will, however, tell you about a shirt that I saw for sale at this Watermelon festival. It had, of course, a confederate flag in the middle with the tag: “If this flag offends you then you need a history lesson.” Normally, I would have been bothered by this shirt, but it was right next to another shirt that said, “White trash and proud.” That, was the only lesson that I needed.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

PS: I know, I know. I went to a festival celebrating a large fruit... Mira, sometimes you do things to make women happy. It makes life that much easier.

19 Comments:

At 12:50 PM, Anonymous sikesville said...

Next time you go to Richmond you'll have to eat dinner at Julep.

 
At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Sweet said...

I'm from Richmond, and I have to say you are right. Ah the watermelon festival, brings back memories.

 
At 1:46 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

Flan Festival? Doable.

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger John Flowers said...

Ah, sweet, benevolent, boring Richmond.

When I was in the second grade, one of our school field trips was to the Phillip Morris offices off of I-95.

No one -- not one parent -- thought it odd.

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger la guera loca said...

I actually live in Richmond. I don't spend much time with the white people here, though. All my friends have mustaches shiny mustaches and don't celebrate anything unless it says "bud light" on the label or involves chickens with blades on their feet.

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

We are offended by the shirt because we have had history lessons.

 
At 3:38 PM, Blogger avocadoinparadise said...

Maybe the reason they don't want DC to become a state is because no one here likes nascar. And the comment from the guy at the gas station crackes me up!

 
At 4:28 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

maybe he meant...yadah yadah yadah

who knows..

 
At 5:02 PM, Blogger jali said...

I went to school in Richmond (V.U.U. - yes, it's a real school), and I don't remember the watermelon festival.

My education at the feet of El Guapo is amazing.

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger M said...

There is a little town in Wisconsin that hosts an annual Rutabaga festival each year.

 
At 10:41 PM, Blogger sara said...

Hi Guapo! You can check out the videos I made about festivals in Japan. Some of them are quite graphics!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BtIJy5OzXw

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger angie said...

watermelon is virginia?!
every body knows the LUFKIN, TEXAS watermelon festival is the master of watermelon festivals . . .

good for you, el guapo for realizing early in life that arguing with a woman makes life harder; there's a hard way and an easy way to everything - good for you for choosing the easier way.

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger angie said...

i meant "watermelon festival IN virginia?!"

 
At 7:47 PM, Blogger rwhgeek said...

"Ah, sweet, benevolent, boring Richmond."

I have a one word response to this statement: GWAR

 
At 9:27 PM, Anonymous Angela said...

hmm..did you know that tamarind is considered unfit for human consumption because, "The article appears to consist in whole or in part of a filthy, putrid, or decomposed substance or is otherwise unfit for food."

haha, just letting you know, El Guapo.

 
At 10:03 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Angelita, don't knock it until you've tried it. It's actually very good. Tart, but good.

 
At 10:27 PM, Anonymous pagalina said...

I live in richmond, and you, mi amigo, didn't get a real good taste of Richmond. More hot, tattooed waiteresses per capita than any where else (just ask my hubby, rwhgeek), 3 micro breweries (Legend, Richbrau, extra billys), great barbecue. Next time you come down to richmond, bring some Pollo Rico and papusas.

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger Stef said...

I went to college in Richmond. After growing up in Upstate NY, I was astounded to find a place that in many ways was still fighting the Civil War. Seeing the KKK protest putting a statue of Arthur Ashe on Monument Ave was enough to make me move back North.

 
At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm from Richmond, MA and the town next to mine has a zucchini festival every year.

 

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