Horses on 14th

I know nothing about dogs.

Mind you that this is very hard for me to say because, as you know, we Guatemalans know just about everything.

I can make a woman quiver in ways she didn’t think possible. I can move on the dance floor without touching the ground. My flan is likely the great panacea for all that ails you.

But, as Chulo stares at me while urinating not two feet away, I realize, una vez mas, that I know nothing about dogs. Nada.

So, since I can use such words like “panacea” I decided to maybe stop asking Miguel for advice and go to the bookstore. Miguel, of course, came with me.

“I would just like to say, once again, El Guapo, that you are becoming gayer by the mi-nu-to. Pay attention. I was just getting used to this whole “monogamy” business that you seem to like so much. Why? I don’t know because I’m not gay. Now, you get a dog together and your level of gayness just, just goes up a lot. Then, THEN you drag me out of the house to go to a BOOK-store. You own a television, BUT, in all of your gayness, you decide that you want to actually read something. Are you going to read anything cool? No. No, El Guapo, you’re not. You’re going to buy a book about dogs. You, for some reason, seem to think that a book is going to tell you how to train a dog. My dog doesn’t go indoors. Why? I’ll tell you why. He would get slapped every time he went inside. He would have his face rubbed in it every time he went indoors. He learned very quickly.”

Jesus, ok Miguel.

“I just wanted to get that out.”

Miguel, your dog hates you. Your family keeps him chained outside the house and he barks at his own shadow.

“That’s not the point. That’s not the point. We’re not talking about how my dog behaves. We’re talking about the fact that my dog doesn’t go to the bathroom inside.”

I don’t even know why I respond. I’ve known him for years, but I still respond.

“Oh look, the dog section is right by the horse section. How convenient to have a horse book section in a city. Maybe, just maybe, you and mi Linda could buy a horse together. That would be cute. You could gallop up and down 14th street with little Chulo pissing all over himself. It would be beautiful, El Guapo, beautiful.”

Miguel, look.

I picked up a book and smiled. My people seem to come when I need them the most. There is a Latino who wrote a book about his way with dogs. Cesar Millan was going to teach me.

“You should buy THIS book. Don’t forget to buy a book full of horse pictures. En serio, it would be beautiful to see you on a horse on 14th street.”

Miguel, I hate you.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo