El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Horses on 14th

I know nothing about dogs.

Mind you that this is very hard for me to say because, as you know, we Guatemalans know just about everything.

I can make a woman quiver in ways she didn’t think possible. I can move on the dance floor without touching the ground. My flan is likely the great panacea for all that ails you.

But, as Chulo stares at me while urinating not two feet away, I realize, una vez mas, that I know nothing about dogs. Nada.

So, since I can use such words like “panacea” I decided to maybe stop asking Miguel for advice and go to the bookstore. Miguel, of course, came with me.

“I would just like to say, once again, El Guapo, that you are becoming gayer by the mi-nu-to. Pay attention. I was just getting used to this whole “monogamy” business that you seem to like so much. Why? I don’t know because I’m not gay. Now, you get a dog together and your level of gayness just, just goes up a lot. Then, THEN you drag me out of the house to go to a BOOK-store. You own a television, BUT, in all of your gayness, you decide that you want to actually read something. Are you going to read anything cool? No. No, El Guapo, you’re not. You’re going to buy a book about dogs. You, for some reason, seem to think that a book is going to tell you how to train a dog. My dog doesn’t go indoors. Why? I’ll tell you why. He would get slapped every time he went inside. He would have his face rubbed in it every time he went indoors. He learned very quickly.”

Jesus, ok Miguel.

“I just wanted to get that out.”

Miguel, your dog hates you. Your family keeps him chained outside the house and he barks at his own shadow.

“That’s not the point. That’s not the point. We’re not talking about how my dog behaves. We’re talking about the fact that my dog doesn’t go to the bathroom inside.”

I don’t even know why I respond. I’ve known him for years, but I still respond.

“Oh look, the dog section is right by the horse section. How convenient to have a horse book section in a city. Maybe, just maybe, you and mi Linda could buy a horse together. That would be cute. You could gallop up and down 14th street with little Chulo pissing all over himself. It would be beautiful, El Guapo, beautiful.”

Miguel, look.

I picked up a book and smiled. My people seem to come when I need them the most. There is a Latino who wrote a book about his way with dogs. Cesar Millan was going to teach me.

“You should buy THIS book. Don’t forget to buy a book full of horse pictures. En serio, it would be beautiful to see you on a horse on 14th street.”

Miguel, I hate you.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 6:49 AM, Blogger P1P said...

Surely the dog was a mistake. Now a tortoise is the way forward. They are basically a slow moving rock. Very little hassle.

At 8:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang in there EG. Remember consistency with an animal is very important, don't over reward or slack off the discipline when he's acting well, or hell take it as an OK to stop being good. Treats and rewards work very well, sometimes better than rubbing his nose in it (which I also have used many times too). You'll get there!

At 10:11 AM, Blogger Phil said...

You could kill the horse to feed the dog.

At 11:09 AM, Blogger Wide Lawns Subservient Worker said...

I love Cesar Millan! I think he will help you become a dog expert. He has a show too that is strangely very zen like and calming to watch although it is about dog training. I watch it and I dont even have a dog.

At 12:31 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

It could be worse...

you could be engaged to a cat owner, like I am.

At 4:11 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

At least you don't own a gerbil. Tongues would wag, and I'm not talking Chulo's.

At 6:06 PM, Anonymous La Hembra said...

Ai, churro.

Patience + consistency + love + humane confinement. Read your new book. You can do this!

Next stop: A good pet store for some Nature's Miracle Stain and Odor Remover. Take Miguel with you, he will probably have a siezure...

...which he richly deserves for blatant animal cruelty.

...an offense for which he is off of my jibaro fantasy list until I read that he has somehow redeemed himself.


At 10:01 AM, Blogger Sany said...

Unfortunately, p1p, tortoises grow up to be a big rock later on...

and rocks outlive humans, sadly.

Buy a mayfly. They only last a day!

At 9:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Consistency. Take him out often and praise him when he goes outside. Don't beat him mistreat him in other ways. You will ruin him. Dogs are alot of work initially but you will be so happy you took the time to train him. Dogs are a real joy.


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