El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I feel dirty. Oh so dirty...

I feel dirty.

No, not the feeling you get when you wake up in a pool of your own vomit on a Saturday morning surrounded by three slumbering Asian midgets wearing clown outfits with Duran Duran playing in the background. Not that kind of dirty.

This kind of dirty is a little worse.

It’s the kind of dirty when you realize you’ve done something that goes against everything you ever thought you stood for. It’s the kind of dirty that makes you throw your hands up in the air and give up.

I ordered groceries from Peapod today.

Peapod is a home delivery service for groceries. They deliver groceries to your door. They make it so that you don’t have to walk or drive to the grocery store.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “El Guapo, give yourself a break. People get busy sometimes and need these little luxuries to make their life easier.”

Oh yes? Is that what you think? Well, it would be all fine and dandy if I were busy, but I’m not. Trust me, I have all the time in the world to take my beautiful Guatemalan ass down to the local grocery store and all the time in the world to bring it back with an abundance of food and treats. Frankly, I have become lazy. I mean, I have TIVO now and Dog the Bounty Hunter is on, bueno, pretty much all day.

The last time I was in the grocery store, in the Express Lane, there was a man in front of me who wrote a check for $1.19. He took his time writing out the check, explaining that the address on his driver’s license wasn’t correct and then entering the $1.19 in his check register. Oh, he even turned around and asked me if I had a calculator watch. I’m Guatemalan, bitch, I don’t wear calculator watches.

Later that evening I sat outside mi casa and watched my new neighbor (who sometimes forgets to take off his pointy costume ears) have groceries delivered to his door. What a lazy bastard, I thought to myself. Then, about 5 minutes later, I decided that if Mr. Forgets his pointy ears can have groceries delivered then so could I.

I did it. It was easy. Giant had all of my past purchases right up on the screen because I use their Giant card. I clicked, I browsed, I bought. Ten minutes and I was done. I know I feel dirty. I feel lazy. Will I be wearing pointy ears someday? No. Why would a grown man wear pointy ears anyway?

I will, however, tell you that my online shopping experience wasn’t flawless. You see, it seems that the good people at the Giant grocery corporation aren’t really marketing this product to my fellow Latinos. Why do I know this? Because when I typed in “Goya” into the search field I received 9 hits. Nine hits? For Goya? Seven different cans of beans, pear juice and guava juice? Where the fuck is my flan Giant? Don’t you gringos like flan? Seriously, what the hell is going on with this.

It looks like El Guapo will have to take his lazy but beautiful Guatemalan ass back to the store if he wants to enjoy some of mother nature's finest Goya flan. I swear… The man is out to get me.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 1:51 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

I have friends who swear by Peapod, El G. One in particular who is a fanatic about how he utilizes his time, sees this as ultimately cost effective, viz what his worth is in doing something else...like playing fantasy football.

At 3:57 PM, Blogger Eric said...

I don't even know what flan is.

At 4:00 PM, Blogger Dennis! said...

I actually thought about you as I was grocery shopping the other day (before you even put up this post!), because I was in the Goya section of the Soviet Safeway and couldn't find any flan, even though I was dying to give it a try just because of you.

Oh, and "Dog the Bounty Hunter" is a fascinating show.

At 6:07 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Flan is the dessert of kings and of Jesus Christ himself. Who, by the way, was Guatemalan.


At 4:22 AM, Blogger P1P said...

Don't feel bad. Avoiding standing in sweaty queues in supermarkets makes it all worth the effort. This is a favourite topic of mine. I even ranted on supermarkets a while back. Anger rising. May have to rant some more.

At 9:02 AM, Anonymous Mamasita said...

Guapo, you have GOT to start making your own flan. Es tan facil y mucho mejor que Goya!

And congrats on your express mention.

At 9:07 AM, Anonymous kbean said...

Congrats on landing in the Express. Brought a tear to my eye at the ass-crack of dawn!

At 12:28 PM, Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I'm sorry that Peapod doesn't have flan, but don't feel bad about ordering the groceries. I know the lines at Safeway keep me from shopping as much as I should, which means that my diet consists of Diet Coke, Triscuits, and ... well, that pretty much covers it. You need your nourishment!

At 2:09 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Sounds to me like you've identified a serious gap in the market. Flan ordered online and delivered to your door. Million dollar business opportunity El Guapo!

At 3:29 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...


Netflix can't be far behind.

At 4:47 PM, Blogger aurelgrooves said...

i use peapod to have really heavy things delivered, like cat litter. oh and the produce is really good! i think they pick the best stuff out of the warehouse before it sits around and gets crushed in the back of a truck and prodded by picky old ladies who graze for grapes.

At 6:12 PM, Blogger java bean rush said...

People used to have guys deliver stuff all the time (e.g. milk man, egg man)

Think of it as participating in an old time ritual.

At 7:43 PM, Blogger casey said...

At first I read I'm a Guatemalan bitch.
Lo seinto.
It's true.

At 10:44 PM, Blogger avocadoinparadise said...

Why doesn't packaged flan come with a mix for the carmel sauce? I've tried to make this from scratch due to its inclusion a couple different times, and it hasn't tasted great. :( I need a good recipe!


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