El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Nouveau Cuisine

“You know, I just ate there last week and frankly, I’m getting a little tired of nouveau cuisine.”

TEXT MESSAGE: Cranberry pants is tired of nouveau cuisine…

“I’ll tell you what, I like restaurant week, but I’m really excited for October’s Spa Week. It’s great. I do it every year.”

TEXT MESSAGE: Cranberry pants likes spa week.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation that made you stop breathing and wonder where the hell you were? I’m talking about a feeling where you stop breathing and look around the room only with your eyes hoping, just hoping that none of your friends are there to see you?

Bueno, as you can guess it, I was in one of these moments this weekend. My pain was, however, not experienced alone as mi amigo Paulo was there with me. Paulo is one of mi Linda’s Brazilian friends who look like he stepped off a flight from Dublin. One thing that is not Anglo about him is his sarcastic sense of humor and very Brazilian ability to give everyone he meets a nickname.

One of mi Linda’s girlfriends was “associating” with Cranberry Pants. In truth, I don’t remember this chico’s name because he is one of those people that make me smile every single time I look his way.

He is one of those men who is extremely well put together. You know the type. The guy who has absolutely PERFECT eyebrows? I’m talking the perfect flipped around Nike swoop eyebrows. He’s almost pretty, but in a manufactured way. Does that make sense?

The first time I met him he was wearing Cranberry colored pants. I’ve since been told that these are called “Nantucket Reds.” Nantucket Reds… I, bueno, I call them douchebag pants. Red douchebag cranberry pants. Maybe this is an example of a cultural divide, but guess what? We’re not in Nantucket and your eyebrows are too perfect. Why must your eyebrows be so perfect? Why? I keep on wanting to hit you in the eyebrows. Does this make me a bad persona?

Oh, I almost forgot. He doesn’t drink alcohol. The fact that he doesn’t drink alcohol doesn’t bother me. It’s the fact that he always lets everyone around him know that he doesn’t drink alcohol.

“Yes, I’ll have an ice tea please. I don’t drink alcohol.” Imagine him saying this by shaking his head up and down while smiling with his perfect eyebrows. Mi abuelo once told me that every man should be able to drink whiskey. I respect the fact that some people choose not to drink. In fact, I admire them. I just don’t admire the people that do it for the sake of attention. Isn’t the fact that his eyebrows are perfect enough attention?

"It's ok. I can drive. I don't drink alcohol."

Gracias cranbery pants, but I rather wear an inside out barbed wire condom.

Oh, you’ll love this. He doesn’t drink, he wears cranberry colored pants, his eyebrows are perfect AND he wears the PATCH. Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot to mention that he’s never smoked a cigarette in his life. He wears them to stay up. And oh, guess where he puts them? On his biceps. That’s right. His biceps. It’s a very convenient place for him to place them. I've seen him show every girl the biceps. I think his cranberry pants are confusing them all. It's like they serve as a mind roofie. I hate his eyebrows so much.

Mi abuelo once also told me, “Tell me with whom you walk and I’ll tell you who you are.”

Dios, I pray my dead grandfather doesn’t think I walk with this guy… I don’t even know what “nouveau cuisine” means.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 11:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oye, El Guapo-

Como se dice "Tell me with whom you walk...friends are" en espanol? Quiero saber.

Muchas gracias y amor-

At 11:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

CORRECTION: I meant "who you are", not "friends are"

At 10:39 AM, Anonymous marie said...

It goes:
"Dime con quien andas y te dire quien eres."

At 11:51 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Having just read "Nouveau Cuisine" and "El Guapo Advice" together, it appears that there's an inconsistency in your attitude to body hair shaping - perfect pubes:good; perfect eyebrows:bad. Or is it just as male/female thing?

At 1:38 PM, Blogger Raincouver said...

Karen - It's so funny you ask because my fiancee asked me if my cousin the dentist was bringing his girlfriend to our wedding. I said to her:

"In Spanish, there is saying that goes, 'dime con quien andas y te dire quien eres', which means tell me with whom you walk and I will tell you what kind of person you are..."

"... but in the case of my cousin, it's more like 'dime con quien and [cousin] y te dire en que dia de la semana estamos', which translates into 'tell me with whom [cousin] is and I will tell you what day of the week it is'!!"

crap - just realized marie had answered that. oh well.

At 2:03 PM, Blogger Not Relaxed said...

I hate those people. I see them all the time, getting their $15 eyebrow wax and picking up some hand lotion and $40 face cleanser on the way out. I want them to die in a fire. A hot fire. Twice.

At 5:28 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

DAmn Pretty BOys!!!

At 6:40 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

I'm trying to picture you, El G, in cranberry pants, with a nice golf shirt with little whales all over it. I developed a blinding headache and had to stop. The Nike Brow. Nice.

At 10:19 PM, Anonymous jane said...

At first, I thought Cranberry Pants might be a misunderstood metrosexual. However, no self-respecting man, no matter how well-groomed he may be, would shop at a place that calls itself a "toggery." El Guapo, do not walk with this person - run far away from him!

At 9:51 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Cranberries should only be used to make juice, muffins, and sauce, not pants.

At 4:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you suppose he's sporting a matching swoop anywhere else?

At 6:37 AM, Anonymous restaurant gal said...

I KNOW this guy pops his collar. But what gets me the most is the patch!

Restaurnt Gal Son goes to a kinda preppy university. As a joke, Restaurant Gal Daughter and I almost bought him some pants with cocktail glasses all over them. But we didn't, because we thought it would be cruel to make him cry when he opened the first and only package he's ever received at college.

And no worries, your grandfather is laughing with you.

--The Gal

At 11:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do feel rather silly now- I had mentally translated "tell me with whom..." to pretty much "dime con quien...", but I thought it might not have been a direct translation for that. Example: "pulling my leg" in English is "tomando el pelo", so I wasn't sure if it was something like that. Rather be safe than sound like a pretentious "I've studied Spanish" American ass.


At 11:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

>< I said I wasn't going to be an American ass and then I forgot to say thank you.

So, thank you to Marie and Raincouver

At 12:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

He wears the patch but he's never smoked? That does not compute.

UNLESS...and I just thought of this-"he" is actually a woman, and it's an estrogen patch.

heh heh.

At 10:53 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

El Guapo-
Thank you, thank you, thank you. With this post, you have given me two things--

1. The phrase "Red Douchebag Cranberry Pants," which my wife and I have been repeating endlessly. I can't stop laughing when I think of it. Even now I am snickering a little bit, and I read this post a couple of weeks ago.

2. A reunion with the word Douchebag, which I loved in my childhood, but have since stopped using.

Muchas Gracias,



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