Not invited

It turns out that I’m not cool enough today, this Sunday. Domingo.

Is this God’s way of punishing me for not going to church? Well, I hope so. Because God, if you happen to read my blog, you know, every once in a while when you’re not doing this and that, please note that I enjoy being punished in this way. Now, I’m not sure what the “rules” are for punishment or if I should be telling you that I enjoy one of your punishments, but I do, so there. I’m sorry. Lo siento.

I was never aware of this, but it seems that there are groups of Americans who, unlike me, were invited to sit around a television to watch people from television tell each other how wonderful they are.

Exciting right?

Si, I was not invited to an Emmy party and I would like to thank everyone who is hosting one for not inviting me. Really. I mean this. Never invite me to something like this. Ever.

……

Actually, after I wrote that last sentence I am wondering to myself what it is that I’m missing. What if watching an awards show is like the greatest thing in the world and I’m dismissing it so easily? What if my requested “punishment” could have been one of the greatest moments of my Guatemalan life? I wonder what I’m missing. I need my magic chips to help me imagine this mysterious world of award show get togethers…

Bueno, I’ve had a couple of chips and now I can imagine things very clearly. Well, maybe not clearly, but my imagination is rather vivid right now. I picture a large room with a glass tabletop or coffee table of some kind which is littered with wine glasses, Yeung Ling beer and Corona Light. All of these are, of course, on coasters. Maybe someone, perhaps the host, wanted to find a way to get everyone involved in this fun party and put together a pool that people could enter for $1. I imagine this is done so that the guys who are invited can high-five each other for picking the winner of the Best Supporting Actress in a Mini-series. Mierda! I wish I could be there!

I also imagine all the shoes to be neatly piled at the door because the host doesn't like outside dirt inside her house. Because of this there is one girl, probably attractive, who is uncomfortably sitting on her feet because she knows she's the cause of the blue cheese smell everyone is trying to ignore, but can't.

The hostess of this party I imagine to be gummy. You know exactly what I’m talking about. A woman (or man) with an abundance of gums. I imagine an abundance of gums and an unnecessarily high pitched voice. The kind of voice that makes you die a little bit inside when she talks about something you really weren’t paying attention to. All I can see is gums. Please stop speaking.

I said what the hell, and turned on the TV to watch the Emmy Awards, but then, I noticed this ant crawling on the wall. What is going on with those ants? How can they do that? I mean, do they have some kind of glue on their feet? Really amazing. Then I glanced back over at the TV, realized that The King of Queens hadn’t been cancelled yet, and once again got distracted by the ant who seriously must have super powers. People, this ant is walking on the wall! I mean, really, what is it that ants cannot do? They’re amazing little creatures.

Oh yes, the Emmy Awards. Thank you gummy women of the DC area for not inviting me.

If you ever invite me, so help me God I won't use coasters. Don't push me on this one.

Mucho amor,

El Guapo