El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Voting, Cable TV and Jesus

I’m not sure if everyone knows this, but residents of Washington, D.C. pay taxes like everyone else in the United States, but don’t have voting rights in Congress. It’s actually a great deal. The U.S. government basically says:

Hey, amigo, listen, don’t worry about a thing. You go to work, you give us money and we’ll take care of things for you behind the scenes. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about anything. We have all these great, rich guys from amazing places like Alabama, Minnesota and even tropical South Dakota to make decisions on your behalf. So listen, don’t you worry about a thing. Pay your taxes and we’ll take care of things behind the scenes. Don’t pay your taxes and, well, luckily the IRS is just down the street.

See? It’s an amazing deal! It’s like having your very own corner used car salesman taking care of things for you. I love it! We even get to have these really cool license plates that say “Taxation Without Representation.” Get it? It’s a reference to the Boston Tea Party? That’s our way of saying thank you to Congress for making life so easy for us.

I always figured that since we didn’t get a vote that we got something in return: free cable television. All of a sudden someone tells me that it’s not LEGAL to borrow cable from your neighbor and that you have to actually PAY money to a company to receive cable, something that was, as far as I’m concerned, our free gift from the US government for having to take it up the brown ying-yang for so many years. See, I didn’t get that flier.

Being that I fight the man with the best of DC residents and the fact that I hate Comcast more than I hate Argentina, I decided to not get cable. That’s right. You see, that’s how I roll. You’re welcome DC. I don’t want you to say that I don’t stand up for our rights.

Luckily, mi Linda has cable. She gets it free at her building, so I figure watching hers doesn’t really count and since I’m sticking it to the man by getting it free, I’ve been watching mucho. Tons. All the time. If I could TIVO all channels all the time so that I could watch what I wasn’t watching at any given day, I would.

But, the Guatemalan scientists (who invented TIVO by the way) have yet to do this, so I have to settle with watching my new favorite show all the time: Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Now, I haven’t really watched all of the episodes (yet), but this is a show about a tough gringo bounty hunter who catches criminals with the help of his sons (all from different madres) and his busty fake blonde wife. Oh, all of this takes place in Hawaii. Sounds amazing right? Hold on there, I have more. AFTER he catches someone (usually by tackling them), sprays them in the eyes with pepper spray and tells them that they’re going to prison for 20 years or so, he starts talking about Jesus.

It’s great. “Listen, you’re going to prison for a long time. I hope they give you the maximum sentence of 20 years. Your parole officer hasn’t even been born yet. But guess what? Jesus loves you brother.”

What does this do for me? Well, in truth, I just enjoy seeing the look on someone’s face when they realize that they’re going to lose all of their freedom for 20 years, but are simultaneously being told that Jesus loves them. I know, it’s sick. But hey, it’s on free cable and I’m sticking it to the man.

That’s all I can do.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

PS: This marks my 100th post. Thank you to all of you who read and comment regularly. En serio, you make it so much fun for me to do this. Your comments, e-mails and pictures (keep them coming!) make mi vida a lot more amazing! I never knew there were so many people who would appreciate my style of humor. Muchas gracias for your readership. Here is to the next 100 posts!

36 Comments:

At 10:49 PM, Blogger sara said...

Congrats for the 100th post, Guapo! Love your sense of humor and your writing style! Keep up the great work, and good luck with your dog.. and Miguel! :-)

 
At 11:45 PM, Blogger Christopher Robin said...

Every time you post something it's a great day for me, so keep them coming for a few hundred more.

Maybe I should come join you in DC? As a Canadian working and living in the US I have to pay more taxes than an American but I don't even get to vote for anything!

 
At 11:54 PM, Anonymous penny said...

Congratulations on your 100th post! Yes, I do love your writing, just never thought to comment until now.

 
At 12:35 AM, Anonymous A Pom Down Under said...

El Guapo - "es una gran noche a conseguir borracha..."

I can't believe I only joined your throng of fans on your 99th post...

The good news though, is that I have a lot to catch up on!

Hopefully there will be plenty more to come.

Pom

 
At 1:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

awwww, how sweet, 100th post!
Ya, I love your humour and down-to-earth style too, the best of the best ever, mucho kisses to you.

justawomanfromthewildwest

 
At 4:22 AM, Blogger P1P said...

Well done. I have enjoyed the last one hundred so keep it up. Dog the bounty hunter does look like it bites the big one.

It's not enough to get tackled pepper sprayed and handed over to the rozzers but then he asks if Jesus has saved them yet? There is no god!

 
At 5:18 AM, Anonymous Junior said...

your one of my daily sites... and i'm a pasty white gringo.. love your writing.. very intelligently amusing...
keep at it..

 
At 7:08 AM, Anonymous La Hembra said...

Felicidades on your 100th post! You and a cup of tea at 5:00 a.m. start my day with a big smile and a huge laugh.

I *had* to read all your posts when I found you about a month ago. So I neglected mi familia until mi vida asked me what the hell I was reading and laughing about all day.

I showed mi vida your site, with the mild encouragement of "You have GOT to read this guy. He is HILARIOUS! He looked at your site and gave a begrudging, "Well, he is a clever writer." (Mi vida likes you better now that he knows your position on pubic hair, with which he totally disagrees, making you wrong and him safe.)

Anyway churro, I also look forward to many more early mornings with you. And while your other online fans and I would be happy to keep you all to ourselves, your writing deserves a by-line. Not a book. A newspaper column. Not the "Latino Commentator", either. Just the humor guy. You should start a portfolio.

Just as soon as you finish training Chulo.

Besos y abrazos.

 
At 7:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy 100! Keep writing!

 
At 8:15 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Congratulations on the 100th post, El Guapo. Too many good bloggers burn out before then, but you're still at it.

Keep up the entertainment.

:)

 
At 8:47 AM, Blogger Mommy de Gallo said...

Well, there's the D-O-G, G-O-D connection there. He's a GOD WARRIOR with a blond mullet, and leather chaps.
Hooray for your 100th post!!

 
At 9:36 AM, Anonymous Mamasita said...

Congrats on your 100th post! Keep them coming and I hope for many more.

 
At 10:12 AM, Blogger Eric said...

You forgot to mention the most important thing about Dog, he has the most amazing mullet known to man

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger Andraste said...

Congratulations on the 100th post, El G. We look forward to hundreds more.

I don't get over here as often as I used to, but I always enjoy your writing when I do.

Also? No voting rights? What the...? The reasoning behind this is...? I'm flummoxed, I tell you.

 
At 10:31 AM, Anonymous amy said...

I'm looking forward to the next hundred! i love reading your posts, you are so entertaining! you make my day :) xxx

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger la guera loca said...

Hey, what's wrong with Minnesotans making decisions for you? We're good, level-headed, decent folk. Stupid enough to live in below-zero temps, but really nice!

Congrats on your 100th post! I'm certainly a faithful reader.

 
At 1:46 PM, Blogger adrian said...

muchas gracias 'el guapo' yo soy de san francisco california i siempre me haces reir,keep up the good work as you are a ray of sunshine in the dark (that sounded gay) and felicidadez for your 100th post i hope we are privilaged enough to read another 1000

adrian __aka (evolveman)

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger Aruna said...

Felicidades! Your site helped me through a lot of very boring time at work (although it did make me laugh out loud at untimely moments). I've told a bunch of people about it and they love it too! Thanks!

 
At 4:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations on 100 posts!

Do you know how many readers you have?

 
At 4:49 PM, Anonymous alex said...

Gratz on your 100th... And I'll toast to a 100 more.

 
At 5:53 PM, Anonymous Corvo said...

But of course we read your blog, El Guapo. Who doesn't benefit from your Guatemalan wisdom?

p.s. Down with The Man!

 
At 8:15 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

Felicidades...on your 100th post...I enjoy reading ur blog as well....Thnx for cheering my work days :)

 
At 9:30 PM, Blogger java bean rush said...

congrats
I can totally imagine your stories interwoven into a fun summer flick.

Maybe you should think about getting an agent (if you haven't already), getting a book deal and from there a movie deal.

 
At 1:33 AM, Anonymous Bklyn'er said...

Congratulations!

I'd mail you some homemade flan but I don't know where to send it. Could you put your home address in your next post? Thanks.

 
At 7:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cheers! Keep 'em coming.

 
At 5:58 PM, Blogger TheAmpuT said...

De-lurking (well, I think I couldn't control myself once and commented about flan) and congratulating you on your 100th post. All of which have made me smile.

Please keep 'em coming. You're a fantastic read.

 
At 9:12 PM, Blogger Not Relaxed said...

Grats on your 100th post. This is easily the funniest blog I read. It's always a pleasure to read a new post. Have a shot and a beer to celebrate. I'll have one, too. Possibly several.

 
At 10:05 PM, Anonymous pagalina said...

congratulations on your 100th post and for being one hot mothafuckin' guatemalan!

 
At 12:21 AM, Blogger J-G said...

Felicidades. I've only posted ONCE. Pa' que veas...

--the ever-pedantic JESS, del norte

 
At 6:50 PM, Blogger K said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 6:52 PM, Blogger K said...

El Guapo - congratulations... to think at one point only two of us knew who you were and even read this! You have come so far. I'm so proud.

KSD III

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

If your next 100 posts are anything like this one, I will be a happy reader.

Thank you El Guapo for sharing your world with us.

 
At 9:48 PM, Anonymous mojito_drinker said...

felicidades! congrats on the 100th post!

 
At 3:45 AM, Blogger jaymichaelrivera said...

Felicidades, hno. Flan all 'round.

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger Mac G said...

Here are Mad Props in to taking it to the DC government, Comcast, and always, the Fn Man. For the 100th Post. Free Flan for you El Guap.

Oh could you comment about the upcoming mayor's race? Im a Fenty man, cuz, well he thinks consituent service is important, Cropp's in Big Biz's back pocket and all the council people hate him, which is an ringing endorsement in my book.

Also, they had televised debate at 4pm, yesterday, Yes, 4pm on a Monday!!!!! What poor Guatamalan, working 3 jobs to pay rent in this city can be at home to watch it?

Who schedules this? Only people who got let out early of jury duty or lazy asses at home sucking off the govt are able to view this. And I am sure the slackers are just pissed the debate cut into one of their soaps or Maury Povich shows. El Guap, DC Mayors race needs your take, I would tip my 40oz to you, but as you probably know Fenty wont let me buy one on GA ave anymore. Damn him, I guess I will just have to down the whole 6 pack. What am I saying,Fenty ROCKS!!

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger Phil said...

Congratulations, El Guapo!

 

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