Voting, Cable TV and Jesus

I’m not sure if everyone knows this, but residents of Washington, D.C. pay taxes like everyone else in the United States, but don’t have voting rights in Congress. It’s actually a great deal. The U.S. government basically says:

Hey, amigo, listen, don’t worry about a thing. You go to work, you give us money and we’ll take care of things for you behind the scenes. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about anything. We have all these great, rich guys from amazing places like Alabama, Minnesota and even tropical South Dakota to make decisions on your behalf. So listen, don’t you worry about a thing. Pay your taxes and we’ll take care of things behind the scenes. Don’t pay your taxes and, well, luckily the IRS is just down the street.

See? It’s an amazing deal! It’s like having your very own corner used car salesman taking care of things for you. I love it! We even get to have these really cool license plates that say “Taxation Without Representation.” Get it? It’s a reference to the Boston Tea Party? That’s our way of saying thank you to Congress for making life so easy for us.

I always figured that since we didn’t get a vote that we got something in return: free cable television. All of a sudden someone tells me that it’s not LEGAL to borrow cable from your neighbor and that you have to actually PAY money to a company to receive cable, something that was, as far as I’m concerned, our free gift from the US government for having to take it up the brown ying-yang for so many years. See, I didn’t get that flier.

Being that I fight the man with the best of DC residents and the fact that I hate Comcast more than I hate Argentina, I decided to not get cable. That’s right. You see, that’s how I roll. You’re welcome DC. I don’t want you to say that I don’t stand up for our rights.

Luckily, mi Linda has cable. She gets it free at her building, so I figure watching hers doesn’t really count and since I’m sticking it to the man by getting it free, I’ve been watching mucho. Tons. All the time. If I could TIVO all channels all the time so that I could watch what I wasn’t watching at any given day, I would.

But, the Guatemalan scientists (who invented TIVO by the way) have yet to do this, so I have to settle with watching my new favorite show all the time: Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Now, I haven’t really watched all of the episodes (yet), but this is a show about a tough gringo bounty hunter who catches criminals with the help of his sons (all from different madres) and his busty fake blonde wife. Oh, all of this takes place in Hawaii. Sounds amazing right? Hold on there, I have more. AFTER he catches someone (usually by tackling them), sprays them in the eyes with pepper spray and tells them that they’re going to prison for 20 years or so, he starts talking about Jesus.

It’s great. “Listen, you’re going to prison for a long time. I hope they give you the maximum sentence of 20 years. Your parole officer hasn’t even been born yet. But guess what? Jesus loves you brother.”

What does this do for me? Well, in truth, I just enjoy seeing the look on someone’s face when they realize that they’re going to lose all of their freedom for 20 years, but are simultaneously being told that Jesus loves them. I know, it’s sick. But hey, it’s on free cable and I’m sticking it to the man.

That’s all I can do.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

PS: This marks my 100th post. Thank you to all of you who read and comment regularly. En serio, you make it so much fun for me to do this. Your comments, e-mails and pictures (keep them coming!) make mi vida a lot more amazing! I never knew there were so many people who would appreciate my style of humor. Muchas gracias for your readership. Here is to the next 100 posts!