What do you mean you got a massage?
“I was stressed out.”
What kind of stress do you have in your life? Run out of chips?
“El Guapo, I was stressed out and went to get a massage. Have you ever gotten a massage?”
I looked at mi amigo and realized, sadly, that I had never gotten a massage. Not from an actual masseuse that is. I have just as much stress in my life as the next amazingly great looking Guatemalan with a mustache that would make Stalin stomp his feet in jealousy, but I have never gotten a massage.
“El Guapo, I had no idea that getting a massage was such an experience. I feel as if my whole life was a lie. Now I know why the gringos always talk and talk about getting a massage. This is why they smile all the time El Guapo. They all get massages.”
Si, I guess that makes sense. Tell me about it.
“Don’t blog about it.”
“I always see these ads in the Sports section of the newspaper. Oriental this, Asian that, Mystique this. Sabes? It seems that the Asians are the ones who give the massage to the gringos. So I pick one and go to it. It was a strange place, El Guapo. I didn’t even know that this building had people in it, but I thought that maybe it was one of those gringo inventions, like when old is good and beaten up is cool? So, I kept on going. I knocked on the door and this old Asian woman opens and looks me up and down. I got muy nervioso and she asked me if I had been there before. I said yes, because I didn’t want her to think that I was some Argentinean. Sabes?”
“Well, the woman who gave me a massage was wearing a really tight, black mini-skirt and really high heels. Her name was Ooni or something like that. I was expecting some kind of a nurse to do this, but the Asians like to wear a lot of makeup and get on top of you when giving a massage.”
They get on top of you?
“Si, they put their legs around you when they rub your shoulders. Bueno, it’s nice, but I couldn’t concentrate. Her heels were scratching my calves.”
Her heels? Interesante. Did you get a massage?
“Si. Bueno, kind of. She kept on coughing and giving me a strange look every time I would get relaxed. Whenever I relaxed and closed my eyes she would cough and wink or nod her head. After a while she stopped doing this and just gave me a massage. Then she asked me if I wanted to make the banana cry.”
Make the banana cry?
“Si. Make the banana cry. You know I don’t like dessert El Guapo, but why would they serve dessert in when I’m getting a massage?”
Si, that is strange. So, did you get the dessert?
“El Guapo, I did. And the banana cried. It cried a lot.”