El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Pockets

Pockets. I can not tell you with certainty, but I am almost convinced that they were invented by Guatemalans. The genius behind them points to a Guatemalan mind. Will you come with me while we look into how these came about?

José: Pablo, have you seen these amazing things that I have covering mi loins?
Pablo: Why yes, José. I have noticed, but didn’t want to intrude.
José: I call them pantalones, but I did not invent them. My cousin did. What I did invent was these…
Pablo: José! Are you a magician? How did you pull those many items out of your pantalones?
José: Si! No! I am not a magician, but si! Are they not amazing? I call them pockets. You can protect yourself from the elements with the pantalones, but with the pockets, you no longer need to carry small items on your head or in your hands.
Pablo: José, this is going to change mi vida. I have long wondered of a way to carry the many small items without dropping them on the floor. Now, because of your amazing Guatemalan mind, I can do this! Gracias José! Muchas gracias!

And this, mis amigos, is how the pocket was invented. It is not listed as such on Wikipedia, but soon, soon it will be.

Why am I talking to you about pockets? Have I been eating too many chips again? Well, yes. Miguel came upon some old chips hidden in one of his old coats and we ate them all. They were amazing chips, but this is not the only reason why I am discussing pockets. I am discussing pockets because there are some tourists in the great city of Washington DC who seem to be very much anti-pockets. And frankly, I can not stand anti-pocket people.

Why do I believe this? Because they have to wear things like this.

Why? Why do you make mis ojos cry with such a horrible device? Do you have so many things that you absolutely MUST carry on your stomach? Is the pack of M&M’s melting in your pockets? Do you have 77 pairs of keys? Is it necessary to carry around your garage door opener?

Margaret: Bill, you should truly take this bottle of Scope with you in case your breath gets ever so awful.
Bill: You’re right Margaret! Why don’t I carry the “V” volume of the encyclopedia in case I find myself with moments of unused time? Why, I can just place it around the base of my fanny with this outside pocket/belt contraption that I’ve just invented!
Margaret: Why Bill! That’s an incredible idea! You can wear it around your fanny and move it around the base of your stomach for when you sit down! I’m ever so happy I married you Bill. Let’s go pick wild flowers!

Please, Caucasian tourists of DC. You are no longer allowed to wear “fanny packs.” That’s an El Guapo rule. If you see someone wearing one, please tackle them. Gracias.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

21 Comments:

At 8:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First commenter!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 
At 9:41 PM, Blogger Rene said...

Hey El Guapo,

Im a Guatemalan in Los Angeles. I just received a jacket with 40 pockets for my Mayan pleasure, check it out:

http://www.scottevest.com/v3_store/40_Tactical.shtml

if you're ever in los angeles, I invite you to eat at Amalia's, they have the best churrasco since the zonas.

white people have the mentality: "pockets? we dont need no stinkin pockets!"

 
At 11:33 PM, Blogger Christopher Robin said...

I think we need to find who keeps making those damn things and shoot him. People should either carry less stuff or commit to carrying a bag.

I must assume then that it was a Guatemalan who invented the pockets on the back of my cycling jersey. I am forever in your debt for such a stroke of genius.
http://www.pezcyclingnews.com/photos/tech/bergamo/jersey-longback.jpg
Thank you!

 
At 1:02 AM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

I totally agree, but having solicited tourist tackling (probably a felony in our hyper-paranoid Bushville), will you make bail? Also, why pick on Canada? Most of the truly odious fanny-packed tourists are from Utah or Biloxi or Des Moines.

 
At 7:49 AM, Anonymous angela said...

i thought that fanny packs were like...an old lady type thing.

so she can put her various bottles of old people medication in there.

and probably some nasty cheap candy or something.

 
At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a white lady, but I don't care for the fanny pack. It would accentuate an already padded fanny, and my stomach doesn't need more padding. That is why I carry a purse that could double as a duffle bag. Oh the things I carry in it! Mouthwash anyone? Did a Guatemalan invent it, because it is perfect.
:) Liz

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

In the UK they are known as bum-bags. This is primarily because "fanny" is a slang term for a woman's genitalia.

Fanny-pack, therefore, conjours up an entirely different image

 
At 3:33 PM, Blogger Baja Babe said...

I used to work in Orlando...You haven't experienced nausea until you've seen an entire tour group of Mid-Westerners with fanny packs. Ooohhh, the HORROR!!!

I don't know what it is about your posts, but my brain immediately switches to a Latino accent when reading. :) Weird...

 
At 4:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess they fear the followers of the world wide known sport of picking pockets...

 
At 4:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, your blog is now official. Someone thought it nec. to post that they were the first one to comment. Congratulations on becoming a real blog.

 
At 4:59 PM, Anonymous Amy said...

Fanny-packs are one of my most hated items. People who really feel the need to wear these should not be allowed to reproduce.

 
At 5:46 AM, Blogger Facinacion said...

You are such a CRITICON, abuela mia. Guess the Africans say the same thing about me: The strange looking woman who is not chinese, or indian.. or white. (I confuse them..so funny)

I have to say... I have one of those things you carry in the stomach, not as big mine is more invisible, but I carry it to avoid passport etc be stolen. Why? B/c I got my greencard stolen when I was in travel once and ... was not fun. Then my mom told me: "I told you so, I told you to wear one of these." Plus, I got mugged a few months ago, and.. had I not had that funny thing, I would have been in DEEP trouble.
So, as much as I want to support the Guatemalan-invented item, pockets, unless you got one of those rock climbing pants, can't do the same job.

 
At 9:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

El Guapo,
Even though that hideous thing has a Canadian flag attached to it, Canada officially accepts no responsibility for it, and just wishes that nasty ass tourists would quit pretending they are Canadians while visiting other countries because they think they will get treated better. We get treated better because of the way we act, not because we have Canadian flags on everything we wear.
catherine

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

I do not blame the Canadians for this. That was just my way of poking fun at my Canadian readers. In truth, I blame Iowa for fanny packs.

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger Palestinian Princess said...

Los Fanny packs son un mal de los gringos! I swear, here in the Dominican Republic, as soon as you see one of those, it screams out Tourists! and of course is the call for all the locals to go and make their day offering tours and stuff for outrageous prices. So my friends from up north, as soon as you wear that, it gives free rein for people to take advantage of you.

 
At 8:05 PM, Blogger Caroline said...

I do a lot of event work, long hours, lots of interesting characters to watch. We make up little games to play to pass the time and keep ourselves entertained. Most recently at an automotive event we played Spot the Fanny Pack. Points for each you spot, double for leather, winner gets free drinks at the end of the event. You should try it; might make your morning commute more palatable.

 
At 8:16 PM, Anonymous Carlos Fernando said...

You are so annoying.. I feel sorry for you for being from Guatemala.. Guatemala is the lowest of the low when it comes to Central American countries. I am so sorry you are from Guatemala. Lo siento mucho.

 
At 11:13 PM, Blogger Iwan said...

hahahaahahaha.... yes rite on! tackle em rite!

 
At 1:07 AM, Anonymous Diana Barry Blythe said...

Facinacion,
For less noticible carriers for important papers and currency when traveling try a money belt or a cloth pouch, both of which are fairly slim and are worn inside the clothing.

Other people put their money in the zippered pocket of their cargp pants.

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

Why, oh WHY does the fanny pack have a Canada flag on it. Must be an American tourist posing as a Canadian in Europe and giving Canadians a bad name...

 
At 1:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahaha Canadians!

 

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