El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Cologne: El Secreto (The Secret)

I see that Mr. Dudley is un poquito enthralled with Latino culture and has many questions that he needs answered. El Guapo is here to help you my pasty-colored friend.

Cologne plays a muy importante part within Latin American culture. It is MUY IMPORTANTE to note, however, that your observation: “latino men are always DRENCHED” in cologne” is incorrect.

We are talking about what many of my gringo friends have labeled as the “Puerto Rican shower”. I hate this label. I find it racist. Puerto Ricans rarely shower anyway, so giving them any label that implies personal hygiene offends me as a Latino male. Puerto Ricans are good for gold chains and traffic-stopping parades in New York. Once again, do you ever find Guatemalans doing this? Even Hondurans leave the traffic alone. Going forward, please call it the "Puerto Rican Substitute".

Why do we wear cologne? The truth is that we wear cologne to keep women in line. You see, our natural pheromones are something that the North American women cannot handle. We’re too sexy. Without this chemical protection, we would have to walk around constantly being harassed by your women. I have been in meetings of the Latin American leadership and it has been discussed that this phenomenon could create another civil war. Most in this area have been through our fair share of wars and frankly you can have your women if it will keep us in peace.

The Europeans were the first to introduce perfumes to our continent. If the smell offends you, blame the French while eating your Freedom Fries.

Look, we’re here to work and send money back home. Once in a while we give in and give the women a little taste of our Latin love, but for the most part we leave them to you. As the official spokesperson for all Latinos in DC, I would like to apologize for being so sexy. Our way of making up for our clear genetic superiority is to buy the Tommy Hilfiger $12.99 bottle of gringo-repellent at CVS and be on our merry way.

Look at the description: "Tommy captures the spirit of America. The smell of rain-swept fresh air mingles with Kentucky blue grass and Midwestern spearmint, the heady scent of Rocky Mountain blue spruce and the woodsy warmth of Vermont red maple. Optimistic and energetic, it is the embodiment of all-American style."

Do you think that we want to smell like "rain-swept fresh air" mingling with "Kentucky blue grass and Midwestern spearmint"? No! We do this to keep American society under control. Because if we don't, who will?

I hope this answers your question. The next time you find yourself next to a smallish, sexy Latino that is making your ojos (eyes) water, don’t hate. Pat him on the back, buy him a drink and say, “Gracias”. Then grab that cute blonde at the bar and go home. To please her poorly.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

Monday, December 26, 2005

DC Hispanic Hierarchy: Dios Mio

Flavor. Any way you say it, Hispanics have it. We can’t help it, it’s just there. It’s that extra skip when we walk, that extra swing when we dance, that extra something when we talk. It’s the way is. Vanilla is so 1997 muchachos. Coffee es la cosa. The thing is, some of us have more than others. Lets talk about that for a segundo. Vamos hablar about the hierarchy of the beautiful Hispanic population of DC as requested by mi nuevo amigo Dudley.

It would be too complicado for me to rank every single type of Hispanic. There are too many of us in this area, so I’m going to focus on the people who are most available to rank and those people are the Central Americans.

Not all of Central America. No one gives two pieces of mierda about Belize or Panama. Come on, Belize used to be called British Honduras. Fuck them. If it weren’t for the fact that most of them speak Spanish, I’d take away their Latino card. That’s right. El Guapo can give and take anyone’s Latino-ness anytime he wants. Third-person, tercera persona, it’s strange I know. I’ll try to stop. You don’t want me talking about what I think about Panamanians or their pock-faced former dictator pussies.

Let’s concentrate on who is in DC in order of geographical proximity to our great city: Guatemala, El Salvador, Honduras, and Nicaragua. Dudley, espero that this can help you in your quest to find out the pecking order of the brown in town.

For the record, I love all people. Now, the ranking:

El Salvador

1. Guatemala – Claro, El Guapo is from Guatemala so he’s going to put his country up front. No putos, that’s not true. I can admit that other Latinos are better looking than my countrymen (muy pocos), but I carefully thought about these rankings. Most people from Central America came here because of civil wars and wars. Guatemala never had any real wars with any of these others. They had a very bloody civil war (36 years!!) and came here. Plus, most Guatemalans are Mayan and todo el mundo sabe que Mayans rock the fucking house. That’s right, none of this Aztec maricon shit from Mexico.

Also, Guatemala told the British to stick it up their culos. That’s right. We wanted our land back, but the British had to send half of their pinche military to make us back off. I wonder how tough it made the British feel to try to dominate a Central American country. If you tell Britain to fuck off, that makes you cool. Unless you’re Argentina. I hate them.

2. Honduras – This choice may surprise some people. I like Hondurans. They’re just muy pobre. Hondurans are hard working people from a piece of shit country that come here and work 57 jobs to send back home. We all do that, but I like Hondurans because they had problems with El Salvador back in the day. Plus, I absolutamente ADORE their fashion sense. When you see a Hispanic dude with a mustache wearing a hat with some kind of a bird on it, HONDURAN. You need to love that. They’re good simple people with mustaches. Not all of their women have mustaches and I like that. Look at the women from Belize, full beards, no joke. Estoy serio.

3. El Salvador – El Salvador. Thank Dios that very few of my people go on the blogs or I would be getting all kinds of shit for this. Look, they are all over DC, NYC, and California. The reason they’re all over DC is that they CAN BREED. They look at their girl and boom, triplets. I saw a midget Salvadorian on the bus the other day. He told me that they had too many people living in one room, so his mom made him smaller!!! If you want to see some good ejemplos of Salvadorians, go to 14th Street by the Fire Station on Saturday mornings. There will be 4 of them laying on the ground passed out on glue and cheap alcohol. They do work hard, but man they like the tequila!!!

Numero tres because they start shit with everyone. In 1969 they had a war with Honduras because of a soccer match. Know porque? Because they were going into Honduras illegally and it was starting “race issues”. Anyway, the Hondurans were all upset that the Salvadorans were opening too many shoe stores and caused problems. Anyway, the Hondurans kicked their brown asses back to their country. Word to the gringos, do not make them mad or they WILL form a pussy gang like MS-13. Sorry, MS-13 knocked them down to #3 of the DC area. Desculpa-me chicos.

I have many Salvadorian friends. That’s why they are ahead of Nicaragua.

4. Nicaragua – Nicaragua is to Central America what Mexico is to the United States. Like any other person on this list, they too are hard workers. I’m a little ashamed to put them ahead of El Salvador, but I put them here because they are simple people. Campesinos, farm boys. I love them, but for the reason that they can’t grow facial hair. The mustache, yes, but only that. It’s a strange phenomenon. They can only grow hair below their nose. I used to think that Dominicans were the only ones that did that. They had a civil war, the Contras bothered them a little bit, US bailed them out, boring stuff. Nothing really exciting here, so this is why Nicaragua is here. BUT they’re ahead of Belize and Panama. Oh, and Costa Rica.

I don’t like long posts. Con permiso, they blow. Costa Ricans think their mierda doesn’t stink. I hate that. They’re below any other Central American and they can hang out with Argentineans all day long. The funny thing is that Argentineans wouldn’t even let them at their table. You see, Costa Ricans are ashamed of who they are. Even though I was put in the position to rank my people, I am proud, muy proud of all of us. We are the hardest working people that you will ever meet in your life. Una promesa, I promise, that you will never meet more hardworking, more loyal, better people than the fine Latinos of DC. Even algunos Costa Ricans are ok. Just algunos. Dudley, I hope this helps amigo.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

Thursday, December 22, 2005

H&M are puta madres

“Excuse me, can I help you find something?”

Normalmente, for all of you out there, this wouldn’t be something out of the ordinary during the Holiday season. For me, in this instante, it wasn’t out of the ordinary. See, I was asked this by a security guard. Happens all the time and more during the holidays.

My boy Miguel and I decide to go to the H&M store over by Metro Center to see if I could find something for my girl Mercedes that was a little out of the ordinary. You know, hip, like the white girls on TV wear. Don’t get me wrong, my girl has a cuerpo, Dios mio, que cuerpo, what a body…., but still, girls like to tweak style and my girl deserves nice things too, so like any good Latino would, we were attracted by the big colorful signs.

Maybe if Mercedes stopped eating for 3 weeks, she could fit into some of the things in there. What is up with these white girls and their mascara? Chicas, less is more or whatever you say. Is it cool to look like you’re addicted to crack? If so, I didn’t know the people in my neighborhood were so trendy.

Miguel was being stupid wanting me to try on the sports coats made of corduroy and was being a puto. My dad has those in his closet with the suede patches on the elbows. He’s always bragging about how he is so cool for having what is in style. I'm not wearing that or wearing colorful shirts with the collar flipped up. It’s hard for Latinos to have a rep for style sometimes. Even if the majority of us dress well there always has to be some Mejicano that wears a hat with an eagle or something on it. Ruins it for our whole race. Just remember, Guatemalans are at the top of the chain.

So, Miguel is being a puto and the guard comes over.

“Excuse me, can I help you find something?”

Even if I did need help homie, why the hell would I ask a security guard? Of course, the Latino with the baggy clothes has to be hassled and made to feel like a Nicaraguan while he’s shopping. I work hard for my money. Leave me be. Go to your corner and make love to all the little girls with your eyes.

“No man. We’re good. Just Looking.”

“You’ve been looking for a while.”

Miguel got upset because he’s a Jesse Jackson in training for Latinos and made a big scene. His English isn’t the greatest, so it was kind of funny to watch especially since he gets all Guadalajara when he’s worked up. He also elongates his vowels when he’s angry.

“Ese, why don’t you aaaaaaask all them white people why theeeeeeey are looooooking for so long? I have money (he shows his two twenties wrapped around 40 one-dollar bills…) let me speeeend it!”

“Sir, please don’t make a scene.”

“Oooooooooh. Now, when the Hispanic starts being loud I’m sir? Listen, I don’t want to buy all this MIERDA anyway! I’m going to Hechts.” Hechts. Muy bien Miguel. Way to show everyone..... I wish Jesse Jackson was my friend.

So we leave and don’t go to Hechts. We walked over to “China”-town to look at all the Chinese people that don’t exist anymore.

Quiza Pentagon City tomorrow.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

Adios Jerry Phillips

Feliz Navidad Clear Channel! The reason I leave little pieces of mierda on your doorsteps is because I hope that one day corporations like you will develop a heart. Entiendes? No? Ay, listen, pardon the use of my language, but you are a bunch of shit eating, pillow biting, Brazilian-bikini-wax-having, red-tie wearing, bamboo-floor requesting, heartless bastards. Why in the name of Guadalupe would you fire someone during Christmas/Kwanzaa/Chanukah? Oh, I’m talking about Clear Channel treating WHUR’s Jerry Phillips like he was a Bolivian coca farmer and putting him on the street.

I guarantee that most of the people reading this blogi (Espanol for blog) don’t know who Jerry Phillips is. Well, here is a picture of him:

Could you fire this man? Could you say, “Hey! Chiquito! Adios! Feliz Navidad, puto! Good luck finding a job old man!” Could you say this? To an hombre that has pretty much dedicated his vida to talking about the poor and destitute of my great city DC? No, you couldn’t. But the Republicans at Clear Channel could. I’m not saying that all Republicans are bad people, I’m just saying that most Republicans tend to believe Reagan is going to walk around the corner and scream like Tarzan as he wiretaps every American.

Some of you may think this rant was stupid. I was going to talk about how my girl Mercedes wants to have children with me, but I’ll leave that for another time. We’re Latino, we have children, it’s bound to come up again.

Mucho amor,

El Guapo

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Chinga tu Madre Marion Barry

Gracias Marion Barry. Muchas Gracias. I see you’re trying to once again bring this city down into the gutter of your crack-pipe dreams. Yo se that you’re upset about Logan Circle not having any hookers for you, but come on, please do something about us keeping baseball in DC.

Baseball for Latinos is what Police Department is for the Irish. Baseball is what skews the immigration stats from Latin America. You have to keep baseball here because that’s the only way I’ll be able to get my sisters to marry someone with money and who here legally.

What? Anacostia turning into Georgetown scares you? White people are cool Marion. Sure, they tense up whenever someone of color gets by them, but that’s funny. They call you “Amigo” and automatically think your name is Jose. That’s funny. They think that my familia drinks margaritas and mojitos all day long. That’s ok. It doesn’t bother me. I like it.

Think about the money a better, nicer, richer DC will bring to us all. Money equals jobs homie. Don’t worry, your prostitutes will still be in DC. Just higher class ones.

Don’t fuck this one up for us you vagabundo! You’re acting like the MS-13 pussies. In my country, I think Marion is a woman's name.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

Bienvenido: BORF & MS-13 (Pussies)

Bienvenidos to my first blog. I am El Guapo and I live in Washington, DC. This city used to be called Ciudad Chocolate, pero no more. My family have been here for generations and this is our ciudad. It is my understanding that re-gentrification is happening to my barrio of Columbia Heights, but I’m ok with that. We own our house and we have enough people renting out rooms to last mucho tiempo.

Sometimes I hear stories about people not liking the Hispanics/Latinos. No entiendo this. We are lovers. You may have heard bad things about the gang MS-13 or Mara Salvatrucha. Don’t worry homies. This gang is all about the circle-jerk, entiendes? They put all the ink all over themselves, but when it comes down to it, they’re a bunch of cabrones. Entiendes? They like to please themselves. Nothing wrong with that. I have friends who wear pink, but they don’t prove their manhood by doing graffiti. They’re not pussies like BORF. That’s right.

Mira, mira. I am man. I put name on wall. Ay que lindo. (Picture BORF with pink hankerchief flayling)

My homie wrote me a text from NYC saying he had to ride a bike to his job because there was a strike. If DC transit ever pulls that shit I will LOSE IT. No chiste here homie, I don't even have a bike because it was stolen. Why do you think Hispanic dudes are always riding around in kids bikes? It's because they STOLE ours. By the way, Miguel, I know you fucking stole my bike and if I see you riding it you're going to wish you were back in Guatemala you little bitch.

Anyway, I’m not going to go here for long because I have to wake up early to work for EL HOMBRE. Just remember, BORF and MS-13 members are pussies.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo in DC