Where I have been...

I feel rather stupid/Argentinean writing this post. The reason that I haven't written in a while is because I was in an accident. No, no te preocupes, it wasn't anything serious. Not life and death serious anyway. I'm in pain, but I will live like a gorgeous Guatemalan with a traffic stopping mustache should. I was just in an accident, of sorts.

Two fingers. Dos dedos. Wrapped in gauze that has a hard time staying white.

A beetle. The car. One of the old ones with rust on the doors and over by the tires. A car door. My fingers.

It hurts to type. My left hand... Will be back with more, hopefully soon.

I tried to get Miguel to post, but he refuses.

Happy New Year.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

All I Want For Navidad

When we are young, we live with our dreams in our hands. Perhaps we place our dreams in our shirt pockets close to our hearts. We live for our dreams because, when young, there is no way that our dreams can not come true.

When we grow older we may decide to place our dreams on hold, for a bit, to do something that needs doing, in the hopes of coming back. Some of us make it back. Most of us, like me, never do.

The reasons for not making it back are unimportant. What matters is that we made the decision to turn away from our dreams. That is life. That is the decision that was made.

What destroys me inside is when a child isn’t even given the chance to dream. When circumstances take away the ability, the possibility for a child to dream. And frankly, what is childhood without dreams?

So, mis amigos, for this holiday season, I ask that you give what you can to an organization located here in DC named Bright Beginnings. You can read about what they do on their website, but in my words, they give children the chance to dream.

Every child should be able to dream. Every child.

If you can, donate through PayPal or donate through the Network for Good.

Tell them that El Guapo sent you.

Feliz Navidad.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

PS: If you are unable to give money at this time, that is ok. Keep them in mind when you can give a dollar or two. I'm sure they would love volunteers.

Open Letter to Sons of Bitches

We have all been there. All of us. Si, even you in the back with the ginger hair and dark glasses. We have all had that one person at work, that one boss, that one co-worker, that one teacher, that one teammate. We have all had that one person in our lives that made us clench our teeth and question humanity. I would like to take this opportunity to say a few words to this person, these people, who can very easily be clumped into one nice piece of shit.

Open letter to sons of bitches of the world:

Hello. It is amazing to me that you exist in all parts of the world, in all industries, and in all ages. Please explain to me how you can go through life smirking while you push people down? Please explain to me why it is that you go out of your way to ensure that those around you become so miserable that they find themselves wishing you ill?

I have seen many of you sons of bitches in mi vida. The kid who was held back two grades and would always throw the dodge ball at your face. The coach who would demean you in front of your friends. The teacher who would make you feel stupid. The co-worker who would point out your mistakes to the boss. The boss who would condone such behavior. The boss, who, no matter how hard you worked, how hard you toiled, how much you sweat, would always give the raise to the co-worker who was the rat. You sons of bitches do not go away and it makes me question life.

Did your mother not hug you? No, I can not blame this on a mother. I blame this on your just having lost your soul. Your having forgotten what it is like to make someone laugh and smile. If people hate your type so much, why do you still exist? I will tell you why. It is because we as human beings have, a long time ago, decided to cower instead of stand up. Somewhere along the line we have decided that standing up was too much of a risk.

Well, I will take the lead because I do not wish to live in a world where the eager and hardworking are pushed down and back because of the sadistic whims self-serving ego-maniacs. I will no longer cower.

I will no longer watch as you create a hell for me and my fellow man. Your time has come. There are too many of us, too many good people to allow any more of your kind to keep us down from achieving happiness.

There are those of you out there who will also stand up with me. I believe that if enough of us stand up and speak up, these people will disappear. They will become relics of humanity. I’m a realist. I’m not looking for a utopia. I’m just looking for a world free of sons of bitches. Is this too much to ask?

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

Lessons learned

As veces a man is never too old to learn a lesson. Although I am Guatemalan and am pretty much knowledgeable with all things in the world, I learned two things today.

1. When your woman has spent hours cooking for a party and asks your opinion on how something (completed) tastes, remember to never say, “I think it needs more salt.”

This is especially the case if your mujer is of Latina descent. I have learned, albeit slowly, that mi opinion is not really of importance. Women already know the answer and simply would like to have affirmation of what they know is right.

The same thing goes for the question, “What do you think of this outfit?” This one is tricky. Never pause, not even for a half a second when answering this. If you do, they will believe you to be lying. You MUST answer this question immediately or, well, or else. If you for some reason know of and are crazy enough to have an alternate combination of the outfit then say it immediately. Otherwise, just say she looks beautiful and smile.

2. Never give an excuse for why you shouldn’t make love.

“El Guapo, not now. I have to go get my hair done. When I get back.”

But then your hair will be all done and it will get messed up.

“Good point. You’re out of luck.”

Please mentally kick me like an Argentinean for this one. I know, yo lo se… I am right now about to lose my Guatemalan card for this one. Dios…

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

Drunk Borracho

Hola. I am muy drunk. You have may wondered by why I did not write and it is because the man has kept me down this week. "Short staffed" is what they call it , but I call it being kept down by trhe white man. The white man.

"Take one for the team."

You know what? STick it up your ass Rick. You take one for the team, hijo de una puta.

"Come on man, you have to show your people how it's done."

You know what, Rick? I will kill you! I will stomp on your face until you plead with your white New Jersey family to take you back to the basement. Don't flash that fancy assistant manager badge around me, white man.

"We have to wear many hats."

Fuck you and your hats. I don't wear hats. I am Latino and have amazing hair. IT IS NOT mi fault that you have shitty hair from your Irish ancestors. Don't be doing that tap dancing around me. I will beat you!!!

"Corporate is coming down on me."

Corporate is coming down on you because you are a douche. You are the douche of all douches. You aren't even given the bag. I hate you and hope you die a sad earmuffless death.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

Note to self (Written the next morning) Don't drink and blog. I won't change my original posting because it truly is ridiculous and pathetic, but I would like my parole officer to know that the wishing of death on anyone is solamente said in jest. I love all people. Except for Argentineans.

Air Revolution

“I am no longer allowed to fly on Southwest Airlines.”

Why?

“Because I’m more intelligent than the entire airline industry. That’s why. It is a vast conspiracy El Guapo, and I finally had it.”

But why aren’t you allowed to fly on Southwest?

“I told you hombre! It is because the world airline industry refuses to accept that I am more intelligent than them. They have tried to hide behind their little rules for too long and I am standing up for passengers everywhere.”

What in the name of Santa Guadalupe are you going on about? You’re making no sense. You and your little conspiracy theories Miguel. Vamos. What happened?

“I’ll tell you what happened. I stood up to THE MAN and he didn’t like it. He pushed and I pushed back. But like an armadillo pushed up against a cement corner, he attacked me.”

How do you know so much about armadillos?

“I just do. I like them.”

Ok, whatever. Just tell me what happened?

“Do you know how they always tell you to turn off your cell phone when you’re in the plane?”

Si, of course. It affects the airplane’s equipment?

“Of course you would say that El Guapo. When are you going to take the cotton out of your eyes and realize that this is one of their tricks? Do you really expect me to believe that a cell phone is going to affect the sophisticated equipment of an airplane? Of course not! I have NEVER turned off my cell phone on a plane. Not once! And has the plane crashed? No. Does the plane ever have any problems? No.”

Maybe one phone isn’t going to do anything, but if everyone had it on then it could mess with the systems.

“I will light a candle tonight for you El Guapo. You have become so sweet and innocent in your un-single life. Que paso with you? The airlines have gotten together with the governments of the world to forbid the use of phones on planes so that they make you use their online phones. If you did a little research, you will find that the FCC is trying to SELL the ability to offer cell phone services on the plane. If they are going to sell this, why is it illegal now El Guapo? Why? I will tell you why, it is because we are all lemmings who jump when the government says jump. Not me El Guapo. Not me.”

So you didn’t turn off your phone?

“No, the stewardess noticed my phone plinking in my pocket and spoke loudly in my ear. I tried to start a revolution on the plane and was asked to be quiet by the stewardess with sideburns. I asked for everyone on the plane to turn on their cell phones, but the stewardess with the sideburns was very strong El Guapo. Very strong.”

So what happened?

“When we arrived in Baltimore I was escorted off the plane and “interviewed” by some fascists. Nothing happened El Guapo, but look (hands me paper), I am no longer welcome on Southwest. You should leave your phone on the next time you fly. Everyone should stand up to the man by leaving their phones on!”

You are like a Latino Gandhi. I will join this revolution with you Miguel. I just can’t wait until I have to overhear phone conversations on the plane. It will so bueno…

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

E-Vites, Miguel and Midgets

“El Guapo, you are really an insensitive prick sometimes!”

I was just telling you something that Miguel told me.

“Yes, but you really thought it was funny!”

Come on mi Linda. You know it is a great idea.

“I am NOT hiring a midget to come to my party!”

Ok, so Miguel gets his very first E-Vite to mi Linda’s holiday fiesta. He is confused.

“Why do people write little messages? Why don’t they just click on “yes” or “no”?”

I don’t know. Gringos like to write witty messages.

“El Guapo, these aren’t witty messages. These messages make me want to throw crackers at the back of their heads. Look at this girl. Her message does nothing but to let the world know that she is a lawyer. How many people like this are going to be at this fiesta?”

Probably many.

“So, I should write something witty? Ok. I will write something witty.”

My midget friend and I will be there.

That is what you wrote?

“Si. I’m going to hire a midget and bring her as my date.”

He disappears into my refrigerator to find the yogurt that I’ve hidden. Unsuccessfully.

You’re going to hire a midget?

“Si.”

You can just hire a midget like that?

“Ay… El Guapo, you can hire just about anything.”

Is the midget going to do tricks?

“No. Not all midgets can do tricks El Guapo. (shakes his head in disgust) I’m just going to have her walk around the party and mingle.”

You’re going to hire a midget to just walk around and mingle at mi Linda’s party?

“Si. Just walk around and mingle. Maybe I'll have her follow the girl who wants everyone to know she's a lawyer.”

What if she can't reach things that are on the table?

"El Guapo, you are really an insensitive prick sometimes."

Yes, I am definitely going to get in trouble for this one.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

Remembering the Story

Oh Navidad season. Why must you torment me so?

Why must a gringo wearing a Tag Heuer watch always be around me when I’m trying to shop for mi Linda?

Why are some American women nicknamed “Pussy?”

Why must there always be someone wearing a Santa Claus hat on the metro?

Why must I have that desire to punch him?

Why must diamonds be a girl’s best friend?

What exactly is butterscotch?

Why is flan never on sale?

These are some of the questions that I have been asking myself as I walk through the streets of DC trying to find answers.

Then, I found it. I found my answer:

What is this you ask?

Bueno, this is a midget, of sorts, blowing glass with the help of that white dog/dragon from The Never Ending Story.

There I was, a beautiful Guatemalan, walking down the streets of greatest city in the world when the brand new Macy’s window decorators made me see what it was that I was forgetting.

Si, I had forgotten all about the magical Christmas story of the midget blowing glass with the help of the white dragon. Don’t you remember this story?

It’s the story about how the white dragon flies over the manger where Jesus Christ himself was about to be born, but realized that he didn’t have a gift to give the savior. So, he flies to the moon and tries to enlist the help of a dyslexic midget to make a gift for little baby Jesus. The midget doesn’t want to help at first until the white dragon blows a magic fairy dust into her face which makes her cooperative. Do you not remember this wonderful story from the Bible?

Macy's did. Macy's is always there to make us really remember what Christmas is all about: Flying dog dragons.

Gracias Macy’s. Gracias.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo